Pre-Draft Thoughts

As we all wait for the most exciting selection meeting EVER, I have a few ideas rattling around my noodle. Lucky you, you get to read them, after this annoying little Interfeed speed bump...

WHY THE NFL DRAFT SUCKS

I know that there are always plenty of trades, and that makes things juicy for geeks like us and confusing for people like my dad. But rarely does anyone move at the very top of the show anymore, and that's a damned shame. The reason is that you have to pay top-ten picks an obscene and undetermined amount of money. Smart teams (the ones that actually win games and draft late in the first round) hate to shell out big bucks to unproven talent. Dumb teams (the ones that hold a seemingly permanent seat in the first dozen selections) would be better off with an array of good picks as opposed to one premium gamble--a gamble that often backfires.

The solution, friends, is a rookie salary cap. The NBA has one, and it works great. Every team, and every kid hoping to get drafted, knows exactly what each spot is worth. Clubs can build their budgets around that number, and if necessary trade up or trade down with exact dollar figures in mind. No one holds out, no one has to calculate the difference between a quarterback drafted at No. 1 versus, say, a linebacker taken there.

Plus, fuck rookies. Why should they have any leverage at all? There's nothing wrong with taking a kid who has a unique skill and making him a millionaire, but why should Kellen Winslow be the highest-paid tight end in the history of the league before playing a game? Again, going back to the NBA: Rookies there make plenty of coin, but the huge green comes with the second contract. Professional athletes actually earning their salaries by playing professional sports? Brilliant!

If that were in place this year, the Lions could trade down for multiple picks with ease. And teams that are legitimately one player away could move up--while paying a price--to roll the dice. But with cost certainty and no chance of a holdout, the wheeling and dealing could commence.

WHY TAKING A QUARTERBACK WITH THE NO. 1 PICK IS DUMB

For some reason, I was listening to the sports talk yesterday. And for some reason, Maurice Jones-Drew was sports talking. Turns out MJD is a pretty serious draftnik, and he said that if he were a GM, he'd never select a QB first overall, or even in the first round. The pint-sized dynamo, himself a steal in Round 2 in 2006, would only take a behemoth from the O-Line or D-Line.

His reasoning was twofold. First off, the game is won and lost in the trenches, everyone's heard that. Secondly, though, a big ugly who's not as good as advertised on draft day can still contribute to a team, while QBs who fail to match their hype are simply busts. Bad tackles can become passable guards, bad defensive ends can find a spot in a rotation (cough, Jarvis Moss). But a bad signal-caller can only hold a clipboard or get cut.

Look no further than Robert Gallery. He was a can't miss left tackle coming out of Iowa in 2004. The Raiders took him second overall and, well, he missed. A year later the other Bay Area team committed a similar whiff, as the Niners snagged Alex Smith. Now Alex Smith and Robert gallery are both lousy, and in hindsight neither should have been allowed anywhere near the top of the first round.

Difference is, Alex Smith will most likely spend the 2009 season and beyond doing something other than playing football. Robert Gallery, meanwhile, will start on an NFL offensive line for the sixth straight season. He's been moved to right guard, where he's extremely overpaid and no threat to make a Pro Bowl. But he can still play somewhere. After all, every team needs a warm body to block for extra points, and Alex Smith can't exactly fill that role.

Well played, Maurice.

NO ONE IN THE WORLD HAS MORE PRESSURE UPON HIM TODAY THAN:

Uh, that would be Josh McDaniels. Coach Doogie has, in four short months, replaced a Hall of Fame coach, given pinks slips to most of a defense, run a star QB out of town and wrested nearly all the authority in the franchise from an owner who vowed to make his next coach stick to X's and O's, not dabble in personnel.

Most rookie coaches have a bit of a honeymoon. If things don't go so well out of the gate, they can always lean on the excuse that they had to impose their system on the last guy's players. Well, almost every fingerprint Mike Shanahan left on this club has been washed clean. This is Doogie's baby, and with ten picks in the next two days, he'll either knock this draft out of the park or crash like the Hindenburg. There will be no middle ground.

A FINAL WORD ON TONY GONZALEZ

I'm sort of thinking that Kansas City wins more games than do the Falcons in '09.
Read more

It's A Long Way To The Top (If You Want To Bloach N' Roll)

The Cleveland Browns hired Eric Mangini yesterday, a move I consider exceedingly smart. Mangini is a competent coach who'll bring a proven system to the shores of Lake Erie. He'll win games, and if Cleveland can settle on one quarterback and find the right mix of parts, he may someday win big. It's a really good fit.

Would Mangini have been a good fit in Denver? Did Pat Bowlen miss out on his coach with his very deliberate hiring process? It's hard to say, but as the Broncos embark on their first coaching search in a generation, I think finding the guy who's the best fit for the unique set of circumstances that exist in Denver is paramount. Too many pundits are focused on the star power, the side of the ball, the perceived salary demands, or the bloachiness of Bowlen's candidates.

What matters most is where our next coach's sweet spot is.

Before I even get started, I have to submit a doctor's note for my prolonged absence. I have the requisite excuses: the holidays, travel, my wife's pregnancy and insistence that we finish the nursery, a cold, several feet of Rocky Mountain powder that needed to be plowed, and most crucial a three-week KO of the internet service in my office (apparently a plow had wiped out a Qwest pedestal nearby).

None of this matters, of course, the world needs my shitty opinions like it needs more bad reality TV. But this particular storm of distraction came at the worst possible time. My NFL team completed the hugest collapse in the history of the sport--that's hard to do and I'm damn proud of them for pulling it off. It's kind of like the warm feeling a Lions fan must have these days. There have been plenty of awful teams, but only one can say it is the awfulest, the hands-down worst team of all time.

Then my Broncos canned Mike Shanahan, only the most successful coach they've ever had by many miles. I thought the move was rash and foolish, and that we the fans would soon feel a disproportionate amount of pain because of it. In the ensuing weeks, I've come to grips with the move and even embraced it. If you look at the Denver Broncos as an organized crime syndicate--and I know that many of you do--just remember that once in a while you need to whack a guy. Usually these are low-level soldiers, guys who get out of line or start dropping off a light envelope. Clipping them is just the cost of doing business. Every so often, though, the boss gets a little too comfortable. He feels invincible or complacent, gets sloppy, and the only way to fix the problem is to take him out in a flurry of bullets. It's for the good of the family long-term.

The person who crystallized the sanity of the firing was, ironically, my knocked-up grumpy wife. The day it happened I had dozens of hysterical conversations with stunned men, friends and strangers alike. When I spoke to the wife that evening, though, she asked me how many other coaches who oversaw The Biggest Collapse In NFL History would still have a job the next year. Excellent point, sweetie.

Make no mistake, I still think Shanahan is a phenomenal coach, and if he finds the right situation in the future he'll win another championship. But the key is finding that match, that ideal mixture of city, franchise, owner, GM, staff, quarterback and players that can get you to the top of the heap. You can win if one or two of those components is out of whack, but if too many handicaps are in place you're fucked. Shanahan's Achilles' heel was, of course, his eye for defensive talent. Drop him into a scenario with a capable GM and defensive system and you're in business.

Hell, look at Bill Parcells. He's arguably the greatest coach in the history of the game and he could not get the Cowboys out of the first round. He was hobbled by a maniac owner and a few nutcase players. OK, one nutcase, but TO's insanity is so batshit pervasive it can take down even the mighty Tuna.

And Parcells is the right starting point for getting back to my original theory--that the Broncos need to find the right coaching fit for their current team. Bill Parcells is the only guy that can excel in all three phases of coaching. I'm not talking about offense, defense and special teams, my friends. I'm referring to making a horrible team respectable, making a respectable team a contender, and turning a contender into a champion.

Let's look at a few of the coaching candidates out there, not just for the Broncos but for every team. And for the sake of argument let's temporarily ignore guys who've never had the big job, because no one really knows if Jason Garrett or Steve Spagnuolo are future Hall-of-Famers or future laundry attendants. Take, for instance, someone who's near and dear to all of our hearts: Marty Schottenheimer. Marty is a fucking fantastic coach. He can take a pile of shit and turn it into a house. Reggie White thinks he might have a little Oriental in him--I have no doubt that Marty could turn a television into a watch. If I ran the Lions, I'd hire Marty, and in three years I'd be in the playoffs. Detroit is not looking for a Super Bowl right now, they're looking for a guy who won't go 0-16, and Marty will never go 0-16.

Marty would never work in Denver, of course, because he plateaus at 10 or 11 wins and stalls in the playoffs. He's simple and predictable, which is great for making that horrible team respectable. But he cannot get you over the top.

Just like all a Lions fan wants is a few wins, your basic Kansas City fan simply wants a playoff victory. They may say it's all about the ring, but they're lying to your face. The next time the Chiefs actually win a playoff game expect a spike in cardiac arrest fatalities among the elderly in the greater KC area. They'll die happy, not caring what happens next.

Now Herm Edwards is capable of winning a playoff game, he did it with the Jets. I just don't think he's capable right now of constructing a team that could come anywhere near the postseason, which is a problem if your only goal is to win a playoff game. Were you to replace him with, say, Jim Fassel, the Chiefs would instantly become more professional. With a little luck they too could make the playoffs in a couple years and even win a game. But the press conferences would go from Mora-level entertainment to Belichick boring.

And, sure, if KC hired Bill Cohwer or Mike Shanahan they could make a run at a title, depending on who's running personnel. Problem with that is both of those coaches have enough pull to eliminate any independent oversight by a strong GM. So you end up with a similar situation to Shanny-in-Denver. Don't underestimate the luxury Cohwer had in Pittsburgh, where he grew as a coach at the end of the Rooney family/Tom Donahoe player pipeline. Deep down I think Bill Cohwer's about as good of a GM as I am, and I thought the Maurice Clarrett pick was brilliant and the Eddie Royal pick was a disaster.

So which former coach works in Denver? I say none of them, now that Mangini's gone. Brian Billick is a circus freak, and retreads like Dom Capers and Romeo Crennel are strictly coordinator material. I think the right route is to go young, cheap and inexperienced and hope to hit the lottery. I think bringing in someone who can gut and rebuild the defense is key, so long as they're willing to provide offensive structure to Jay Cutler and Jeremy Bates or whoever is running it. I'm definitely intrigued by Raheem Morris and Leslie Frazier, young guys who've been dismissed as Rooney-rule interviews but that I have a feeling can actually coach.

But my current favorite is Baltimore DC Rex Ryan. He's Buddy's less-mulleted, less-Raidery kid. He'll slash and burn the existing defensive depth chart and craft something effective. I don't know if that'll be a 3-4 or 4-3, although I do hold out hope that Jarvis Moss could find success as a rush OLB in a 3-4.

And if it doesn't work we do all this again in a couple years, like every other team in the NFL. The last time Bronco fans were in this boat we witnessed another offspring of a goofball coach (Bum Phillips' son Wade) fill the gap between two Bronco legends: Dan Reeves and Shanahan. If a guy like Rex Ryan simply kept the seat warm while Cutler continues his development, then hands off to a coach who can take the team over the top, so be it. At least we're not coming off 0-16.
Read more

Football. Nothing More, Nothing Less

I'll get to the various jersey-swaps taking place in Major League baseball soon enough, I think there's ample time between now and spring. For now, let's slog in the December mud of the NFL.

RBBAWB You've heard of Running Back By Committee. Your first-place club in the AFC West is currently employing the time-tested Running Back By Available Warm Body approach. We'll see how that pans out. I was contacted Wednesday by RB Coach Bobby Turner about a tryout, but we could not come to an agreement. The Broncos refused to pull No. 44 out of retirement for me (what the fuck has Floyd Little done lately?), they wouldn't guarantee me a roster spot and their signing bonus was pitiful. OK, I am somewhat of a prima donna, but this prima donna runs a 5.9 40 and hits the hole like an ornery moth. Their loss.

In my stead, Denver has promoted Cory Boyd from the practice squad to team up with Tatum Bell, P.J. Pope and possibly Selvin Young. That is one imposing quartet, a veritable Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Selvin's once again promising that he'll see some action, but let's just say that I'm not holding my breath. He seems a little, ahem, dainty these days.

It's been exactly one month since Bell was signed, and I doubt my opinion could have changed more in that span. Last month I was less than thrilled about the addition of the suitcase-swindling, always-underachieving tailback. At this moment, after Peyton Hillis became the fifth(!) Bronco RB this season to head to IR, I'm suddenly on board the Tatum-Train.

Fun fact about Tatum Bell, courtesy of Mr. Fun Fact himself, Jim Armstrong: We've all heard that Bell was selling cell phones at the mall when the Broncos called him in, but Armstrong revealed that it was the Aurora Mall. I don't mean to go all snobby on my Front Range shopping centers, but to say the Aurora Mall is sort of past its prime is to say that Mike Shanahan sort of likes cigarettes and tanning beds. I just assumed that Tatum was slingin' Crackberries at Park Meadow, Flatiron, maybe Cherry Creek. No wonder he couldn't afford to buy his old jersey number back from Jack Williams.

Sweet, Carolina Two teams that have considerably fewer backfield issues than the Broncos are the Tennessee Titans and Denver's Sunday opponent, the Carolina Panthers. Both clubs have really bad-ass RB platoons that hammer defenses all afternoon long. Unfortunately, there is an unwritten rule in sports that really bad-ass RB platoons need really fucking lame nicknames along the lines of "Thunder and Lightning." And sometimes, those nicknames end up in conflict with one another in ways that test the boundaries of reason. I hope all my fellow Prop 8 opponents will allow me to traffic in debunked cultural stereotypes: What you're about to read may be the gayest thing of all time.

Beat writers kind of have it made--free food, lots of free travel, and great free seats at every single game. Then they just write up what they saw in an easy-to-memorize formula with lots of overbaked cliches. Pretty good gig. All jobs, however, have their shitty aspects, and beat writers have two particularly gruesome ones. The first is massive amounts of naked athlete junk, which is a fairly disgusting occupational hazard. The other is the fact that pro athletes are mostly ignorant, illiterate, disrespectful, petty and juvenile. I have no doubt that when Lendale White heard that some other NFL team had the fucking audacity to steal his amazingly original intellectual property, he was genuinely hurt. And that is sad, because Smash and Dash is the kind of thing that 13-year-old boys think is the best (this comes from someone that proudly sported a Three Amigos shirt at 13) but the rest of us should sort of let go.

ANYWAY, my favorite part of that ESPN story was the comments section, where many, many Carolina fans jumped in to defend Smash and Dash as their sacred birthright. They even provided a footnoted timeline and documentation of the lineage of Smash and Dash. There is more scholarly research going into Smash and Dash copyright law than the human genome. And the epicenter of the field is Carolina Growl. Go there at your own risk, the more time I spent the more I wanted to put on a skintight cat suit and lick syrup off of a statue of a Confederate general. I know random message boards are not indicative of entire fanbases, but I feel comfortable in saying that your average Panther fan is a raving nutcase willing to duel over Smash and Dash. I'm pretty sure this controversy has led the Charlotte nightly news all week long, ahead of arrested governors and abducted toddlers.

What, pray tell, does this have to do with the Broncos-Panthers game Sunday? Not a damn thing. I just feel that Panther fans are major-league queers. That is all.

Fantasyland To all of you kicking off your fantasy football playoffs this week, congratulations and kiss my ass. While I hit home runs with my selections of Drew Brees, Anquan Boldin, Chris Johnson (that's "Dash" to you) and Eddie Royal, my downfall came via Steven Jackson, Torry Holt (yes, I picked TWO St. Louis Rams), and Carson Palmer (this league starts 2 QBs, I ended up platooning Frerotte and Orton, please stop laughing).

While my fantasy football management skills have diminished with the ball of marriage and chain of impending fatherhood, I'm still savvy enough to recognize its validity as a pastime. Let's go back to our pal Jim Armstrong, a sportswriter I once enjoyed due to his Palinesque "Joe Sixpack" schtick. Jimmy spoke for the average fan, don'tchaknow? As with most of the initial assessments I make, I was dead wrong about Jim Armstrong, who's the phoniest phony fuck you ever saw.

In his latest "blog" entry, Jimmy gave us this salient morsel concerning the Denver RB mess:

Three words of advice, fantasy-league nation: Don't go there.

Thanks, Jimmy, but I'll take my fantasy tips from someone who actually plays the game. Someone who doesn't look down upon "fantasy-league nation" with disdain and derision. You think that because you have access to the locker room you have some insight for a hobby played by nerds, dorks, and nobodies in their mom's basements? It's all about the numbers, Bubba! Just because you talked about fly-fishing with Ed McCaffrey once doesn't mean you know jack shit about fantasy football. So head on back to the press box, big guy, suck down another sausage with mustard and kraut, and regale us with tales for the common man.

If you want to know what Jim Armstrong thinks of you--you blog-reading, fantasy-playing, born-after-1959 sports fan, you--enjoy this masterpiece from Fire Joe Morgan. FJM retired a month or so ago, and I never even raised a glass to their excellence. Were there any justice in the world, this shitty blog would have shut down and FJM would remain. Sorry, America, you're stuck with us. And Jim Armstrong. Lousy freedom of the press...

What Up Big Herm? This is old news out there in Chief Nation, but I got a pretty big kick out of the rumors that Coach Herman may be the next coach at San Diego State. When asked about it:

"I've got a college team right now that I'm coaching," the embattled leader of the very youthful and 1-10 Kansas City Chiefs said with a laugh. "Next question."

Zing! Also causing consternation in Kansas City is the playing surface at Arrowhead Stadium. Apparently Bob Stoops and Gary Pinkel gave it a big thumbs-down following the Big XII Championship last Saturday, but college coaches (write this down, Herm) are by nature grumpy control freaks. They HATE anything they can't control.

Should Arrowhead just install the Fieldturf? I tend to think this is a rash step, because then you'll have to truck in alfalfa to feed the cheerleaders. ZING!

Real briefly, that last link came courtesy of The Pitch, the KC version of Westword. This publication is on the cutting edge of cock coverage.

The Perfect Season Your mighty Detroit Lions are close, and I did not want to jinx it until the record was in our sights. Expect the full-court HoG press on the Quest for the Impossible Dream soon, but in the meantime tell us your opinion in the Comments. What do you think, football fans? Can Detroit run the table, or will they stumble and win a game? Commenting is fun--you can cuss and make wildly untrue accusations about anyone. Just don't act like a total homo Panthers fan and ramble on about nicknames.

Read more