Tradition Tuesday: Even in the Wildest of Week 17s, I Imagine It Would Behoove One to Ax Somebody

The rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos. We foolishly attend games at one another's stadiums each year, a gig we've had going for eight strong seasons. And by "strong," I mean consecutive. When we're not partaking of said elegance, we're busy bringing you The Tradition, our weekly state-of-the-rivalry address.

I'd be lying if didn't admit the inspiration that the Kissing Suzy Kolber clan has given me over the last two and-a-half years, and given how spanktacular things haven't been in the AFC West these last two seasons, their efforts regarding my division foes continue to stack up each week. While I've likely put together a lot of "work" here that was inspired by the blogkkaksters over yonder, I've never quite lifted an idea of theirs with the deliberance (Editor's Note: Patent pending.) that I will display this very morning. The reason for such is two-fold: I am an uninventive sloth with no sense of originality; and 60 percent of the time, it's damn funny stuff all the time. That said, kudos, as always, to them, and good luck, tho' I wishes it upon myself, to me.

It was 2008. The wind was rustling, the air brisk and heavy. A young, insulin-pack laden, pig-faced Indiana boy, graced with an arm strength greater than Marino, Montana, and Elway combined fondled his imaginary six-shooter, his eye on a prize...

(breeze picks up a bit; music spills out of nearby saloon)



"I'm gonna rope this baby



in easier than some Santa Claus 'tang on a Saturday night..."



"Not so fas-- (leg snaps and crumbles as he goes to stand from his saloon-porch table) Oww!" (fastens stretcher out of two chairs; lays down)



"YOU BUMBLING TWATS! DON'T YOU KNOW A FUCKETY FUCK ABOUT THIS FUCKING GAME SCHEME! THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL TROPHY. THAT'S SOME COCKAMAMIE HORSE CRAP THAT EDWARDS MADE UP TO GET HIS SORRY-ASS TEAM (makes Marmalardish finger quotes) MOTIVATED."



"Hey now, Phil. That's not very n--"

Rivers: "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU NEVER-COORDINATIN', SWEET-POTATO PIE EATIN' WORD MAKER-UPPER! CUTLERFUCKER -- DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING, YOU VANDERBILT DIPSTICK? WE WANT THIS ONE...



...AND THEN THIS ONE!"





(whispers to self) "Geez. Dunno what he's so mad about."

Rivers: "I HEARD THAT, YOU LITTLE GLAZED-DOUGHNUT FACED SHIT DICK! DON'T YOU EVER MURMUR UNDER YOUR BREATH ABOUT THE MARMANATOR! THE MARMANATOR IS ALL POWERFUL ALL THE TIME. HE CONTROLS THE NORV TURNER. HE CONTROLS THE MIKE SHANAHAN. HE CONTROLS THE GOODELL. HE EVE--

(earth rumbles; glasses fall from Croyle's table, shatter; Rivers and Cutler clutch nearby support beams)



"SILENCE, you pathetic bait-for-Eli fuck stain! How dare you interrupt my workout with your visions of grandeur?! You shall suffer the consequences..." (adjusts scoreboard of already decided contest, then instantly vanishes to write letter of apology to saloon owner for broken glasses)



(searches for words to describe the bone-crackling sound of his about-to-explode skull) "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"



"Hey, guys. What was that noise? Is everybody ok--" (dislocates, wrist, elbow and shoulder with interrogatory shrug) "Ouch!" (scampers at snail's pace back into saloon)



(peeks head out of saloon doors) "Yo, WonderBreads. Either uh y'all got a match?"

Cutler and Rivers: "SHADDUP!"



"Dudes! Y'all gots to see this. Check it out..."

(slowly, diligently removes killing instrument for Marmalard/Cutlerfucker slaying from within skeleton)

"Y'all are never gonna believe it. Somebody showed me this. I's laughin' for days."

(saloon side door flies open; Edwards emerges in sweater vest)

"Tyler! Hey, Tyler. It's Herman. Your head coach, Herman. You know that new fly sound you was talkin' about? Well, listen to THIS."



(mix tape hits Thigpen in temple, dropping him in the dust; weapon of destruction clanks upon a stone, shimmers in the AFC sun; Rivers spies it, makes way toward it while observing Cutler enjoying some Cool Ranch Doritos)



(tumbleweeds whip by; music inside resumes)...
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Scoutin' Those Chiefs: Week 4's 30-16 Win Over the Chargers

Week four for the Chiefs resulted in the second-consecutive come-from-behind win for the boys in red and gold. This time their opponent was an allegedly tougher, more talented squad in the form of Marty Schottenheimer'sNorv Turner's San Diego Chargers. At kickoff, the spread favored the home team by 11 1/2. Needless to say, the Chiefs had their work cut out for them, and halfway through the game, things looked bleak. LaDainian Tomlinson appeared ready to shed his first-three-game drought of solid rushing, netting 116 yards in the first two quarters alone. The Chiefs, however, stayed focus and came out of Qualcomm victorious. Here's how.



Though no longer a cheesehead, Chiefs place kicker Dave Rayner continued his stellar work in the kicking game. His kickoffs were consistently strong and his work between the uprights improved to 85.7 percent. Loosely translated, Rayner is six for seven, his lone miss a block. Rayner's contribution to the Chargers game came in the form of nine of the Chiefs' 30 points and set them in position to score 24 unanswered. Should his effort of consistent excellency continue -- and there's no reason to think that it won't -- the Chiefs coaching staff will have one less thing to worry about, and Chiefs fans will do everything in their power to forget the 2007 fifth-round-draft-pick debacle known as Justin Medlock. Now, if the Chiefs can only get something going in the return game, field position shouldn't be such a worry for the team's overall approach and strategy to the game.

First let me say that I support the cultivation of Brodie Croyle. I really do. Now, if it turns out that he's week as raw spaghetti, we'll have to move on to other options. In the meantime, I said all along that Damon Huard should be our starting quarterback heading into this season. Furthermore, I didn't want to see Trent Green back under center after his injury last season. Huard was clearly the mojo of this team's "push" for the playoffs, and you don't mess with the mojo.

Now, there was some talk that that fool of a head coach of ours was considering benching him in the Minnesota game, a game, mind you that the Chiefs won once Huard was allowed to open up the passing game. Key word in that last sentence: allowed. Herm Edwards tried to do to Huard what he did to his offensive coordinator: throw him under the bus. How? By hinting to the media that Huard was getting nervous and looking away from his early reads prematurely, thus the dink-and-dunk passing attack that equaled no success in the first half. Bullshit. Why would Huard do that in week three (on his own) when last year, he was hitting Tony Gonzalez and Eddie Kennison between the numbers 25, 30 and 40 yards downfield.

He's found a new toy this year. One the Chiefs acquired for him in the first round of the draft. He looks a little something like this:



Oops. I mean this:



D. Bowe has reared his young head as the first real Chiefs receiving threat in a long time. It is hoped that he continues his success, especially with the alleged return of Kennison this Sunday at home versus Jacksonville. His 18 catches for 299 yards and three touchdowns have been a massive contribution to the fact that the Chiefs are currently tied for first in the AFC West. And it is assumed, with a large morsel of optimism, that his stats will continue to improve.

Finally, the efforts of this O'Doul's drinking animal mustn't be overlooked. Not only did he win the Buck Buchanan Award as the nation's top defensive player in NCAA Division I-AA (second place was a guy named Boomer Grigsby) his 10 tackles, two sacks and pair of forced fumbles in two games are massive. It's only a matter of time until offensive lines begin double teaming him, forcing Tamba Hali and Alfonso Boone to give pressure to the passer from the the left side and middle, respectively. Now, if the Chiefs can manage to put together two good halves instead of a solid second half, they should find themselves sliding ahead of this AFC West three-way tie.

Last time I checked, that amounted to an Arrowhead Stadium full of good mother-effin' times.
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