Hard Knocks Review: Episode IV

Let's just say I got dis appointment. No. I don't have a scheduled doctor's visit. I'm let down. Across the board. Episode I of HBO's "Hard Knocks: Training Camp with the Kansas City Chiefs" ruled. Episode II was anti-climactic. Episode III rejuvenated my interest in the series, and, yep...follow the trend: Episode IV was a joke.


I'm not interested in paying attention to Old No. 7's not-surprisingly negative response to the program. That's how he rolls. If it doesn't involve flogging the dolphin of someone who's last name rhymes with Spellbay, than he's not interested. I eagerly couldn't care less about anticipate reading his mid-autumn post that will break down how much the Chiefs suck and how their non-success directly correlates with this five-part NFL Films production. Whatever.

Episode V, however, had better be good. Before I break down the highlights and not-so-much highlights of last night's installment, allow me to voice one more complaint: Each episode has been shorter than the previous. And that, is a load of crap. I imagine that Chiefs GM Carl Peterson and Head Coach Herman Edwards have minimized what they want airing in the episodes as the program has progressed. Naturally, as you get closer to opening day, you don't want other teams honing in on your playbook and schemes. I got it. I'm sure, however, that the footage selected for last night's episode could've been 10 times more entertaining than it was. More on that in a minute.

Episode I ran the full hour it was allotted, you know, 60 of those things we call minutes. Episode II ran about four minutes shy; the third installment ended about eight minutes shy of the hour, and last night, the credits rolled at :49. Forty-nine! When will they pull the plug on the final airing? Twenty 'til? To quote Jimmy from South Park, "Come. Oh-wen." To the contents of the program I go, nevertheless.

Highlights:

As mentioned, there aren't many. I'll run through the few that were.

Kelli Croyle



As last week was quarterback-decision week for Herm and company, it was only fitting that NFL Films go into the Croyle home regardless of who won the job. We all know Brodie didn't, so we watched the newlyweds make dinner and talk about the party they'd have once Brodie's day came around. (this photo, courtesy of Arrowhead Addict via HBO, was published on AA after Episode I aired). Let it be known that, in my HoG eyes, Miss Croyle knew damn good and well this footage was making the cut as her top was nicely revealing and her jeans indicated the pleasing presence of a deliciously curved Ba-Donk-a-Donk. Good times.


Ray Farmer



First cuts happened last week, so NFL Films spent a lot of time inside Chiefs Director of Pro Personnel Ray Farmer's office as he handed down the news to the less fortuneate. I liked that they called him the Grim Reaper. Good stuff.






Bobby Sippio



I'm pleased to see that this kid is still around. He looks awesome. 'Nuff said.







Boomer Grigsby



No. I didn't look for a picture of him with his mohawk. Yes, I know he no longer wears 51. Yes, I was pleased to see him healthy again. This converted linebacker looks to be a force as a fullback. I'm rooting for him to make it as his contributions could be T-Rich worthy.





Tank "Bubba Gump" Tyler



Okay. The kid likes to eat, he snores like a chainsaw, and can't stay awake in the meeting room. That doesn't take away from his main asset: Ass. Kicking. I wouldn't be surprised or disappointed to see this kid start in Houston. He's a force, an animal and word has it that he likes to eat SEC quarterbacks and non-1500-yard-rushing tailbacks for breakfast. Huh. Me too.






Lowlights:

I'm not going to grace the lowlights with pictures. I will, however, list them.


Rookie razzing

The Kennison/Herm Edwards razzing of rookie WR Dwayne Bowe was funny at first. Last week's episode where Herm repeatedly hollered about having his donuts hot was a bit much. Apparently, they couldn't find the Krispy Kreme, so Bowe and fellow WR Rod Gardner set out for the Cracker Barrel to get Kennison and company some almond pancakes, or something equally dumb. It seemed, however, that this footage was included only to set up the ensuing cutting of Gardner. Granted, footage of guys getting cut is interesting and a big part of the show, but you don't need to set it up with in-the-car footage of two dudes jabbering and looking at a laptop for directions. Snore.


The QB Decision

Yes. A big part of the show. Yes. A big decision for any team. No. Not worth three solid minutes of Herm sitting in different positions in his office pondering the dilemna. Give me a break.


The Tank "Bubba Gump" Tyler/Turk McBride Head-Bob Sleep Fakeout

This was another waste of three good airtime minutes. And it was real dumb. And it made everyone associated with the club look real dumb, too. Good thing for Tyler he made the highlights as well. Thus, he's off the head-bob hook.

In sum, that's a lot to ingest about one episode of a series. I say that because the program itself didn't have much to ingest. I'm hoping for a bang-up finale, though. It's still entertaining television. Don't get me wrong. I only want more of the good stuff.
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Feelin' Flustrated

Sigh. Alright. Enough of the rosy optimism. Things have certainly looked better. And by better I mean not worse.

The Kansas City Chiefs arrived in River Falls, Wisconsin yesterday to settle in for their 2007 training camp. Missing were star running back Larry Johnson, first-round pick/wide receiver Dwayne Bowe, and surprise-return running back Priest Holmes. Present were everyone else (yes, the damn fifth-round kicker signed just in time), the nerdiest, non-soul-having black man in history (Editor's Note: Some Chiefs call the guy "Coach"), notwithstanding.



Here's the part where I start prognosticating, which, for the thousand-some-odd new HoG readers of this fine day, typically means piles of accuracy. So pay attention.

I may light up my new-equipment-possessing colleague in the comments, but the simple truth is this: I am afraid that Brodie Croyle will in fact be our starting quarterback on opening day. Hold on a minute. Understand that this is not because I don't have faith in Croyle. I think he's a fine talent, a nice southern kid and someone who deserves to prove the injury gossip-mongers wrong. The deal is that I just don't think this is the right year to do it, and, more importantly, I don't think Herm "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is" Edwards is incapable of judging the matter soundly. Period.

Don't get me wrong. I won't call him Herm "Stupid is as stupid does" Edwards, and there's a galaxy of difference. There really is. Edwards wants to make the team younger. He's proven that he can motivate -- at least on occasion -- teams of not-so-high caliber. He's passionate, knowledgeable, and, unfortuneately more often than not, amusing for all the wrong reasons.

Edwards' problem? Focus. That's right. He'll throw the 'f' word around left and right in press conferences, perhaps even on the field and in the locker room. I just don't think he has much of it himself. Edwards, in his one-and-only season as HCIC, spent way too much time (Note: WAY too much time) telling and re-telling his story -- how he made it, how long he's been in the league, how firmly he believes in the shield, how he does this but not that, last time I checked this, the great thing is that... -- and not near enough time coaching football.

Hang on a sec', there. I said coaching football. I don't mean pulling up to the stadium at four a.m. and going home at one a.m. the next morning six days a week and wearing a whistle around your neck and telling the media how you never see your wife. I mean coaching football. Edwards mishandled the quarterback situation last year worse than an intoxicated Chris Henry handles an automobile. Why should I believe he's changed? I should give him the benefit of the doubt for the first-year/new-regime bullshit, but I'm not.

Edwards needs to prove to me that he's a smart football coach. A bloach even. Step one starts not with training camp drills, not with roster cuts, not with drafting a kicker in the fifth round, but with the quarterback situation. All the Croyle naysayers can tread shark-infested water. I ain't one of 'em. I do happen to think, however, that 2007 is the year of da'Mon.
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