Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mike Cox Is Limp With Disappointment

The AFC Pro Bowl rosters were announced, and Mike Cox is unaroused. Instead of a chance to get inside some strange Hawaiian action, Mike Cox has been dissed and left hanging. Mike Cox is sore and blue.

Le'Ron McClain is your Pro Bowl fullback? Dude. Mike Cox does not get happy at the sight of Le'Ron McClain. Mike Cox did not force his way into any of the Die Hard movies, and Mike Cox certainly didn't vote for the Republican ticket. Mike Cox had some interest in Sarah Palin until she started to speak, at which point Mike Cox shriveled in horror.

Mike Cox is also displeased with his so-called "teammates," who totally Cox-bloxed him from sticking Mike Cox in the Pro Bowl.

Mike Cox is disgusted by Brian Waters. That fat fuck is flat-out coasting on rep alone, not the repetitive hammering that Mike Cox brings to the game. How on Earth do you think Larry Johnson gets a single yard? Brian Waters? You must be out of your God damned mind. MIKE COX FINDS THE HOLES, AND MIKE COX HITS THOSE HOLES WITH FURIOUS THRUSTING AGGRESSION. Brian Waters wouldn't know a hole if it jumped in front of him, lifted his gut rolls and kicked him in the groin. Mike Cox knows a hole by its scent, and Mike Cox likes discovering tight little holes and opening them up into giant gaping chasms. Then your Johnson can just waltz right through. It's like throwing hot dogs down a hallway.

Mike Cox is less angry about the selection of Tony Gonzalez, but Mike Cox still does not like Tony Gonzalez. No matter how many times it is whispered that Tony Gonzalez likes dudes, or that his marriage to luscious October (whom Mike Cox would very much like to brush up against) is a sham, Mike Cox is not friends with Tony Gonzalez. Got it?

Unless somebody recognizes Mike Cox soon and sticks him deep into that Pro Bowl, Mike Cox will pull out. You don't get Mike Cox hopes up and then jerk him around. If you do that then Mike Cox has to go into a closet and spit in a tube sock. So call your Congressman, and get Mike Cox in the Pro Bowl. Remember: Mike Cox can not enter on his own, you must stick him in.

Don't disappoint Mike Cox. The memory of Mike Cox is long and thick.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Tradition Tuesday: December Dethroning



Yes, the rough focus of this blog is the rivalry between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Denver Broncos. And yes, on Tradition Tuesdays, we touch on both clubs in a state-of-the-rivalry address. No, I'm not going to talk Broncos today, because yes, it's time to break this thing down. Yes, the rest of ChiefsNation already has is doing the same, and yes, I'll do the same. And I'll not waste any time doing so...

First of all, check out Herm's press conference from today. The TalkRadios are very worried about this alleged timeline/conversation among Clark Hunt, Herman Edwards, and Carl Peterson. Said trio have indicated that this decision is one that's been part of a running chat all year, while certain media figures feel that it was perhaps only an idea, prior to Sunday's last-minute loss to the Chargers. I, however, am not. If this was an installment of "My Sports Life is a Rock Song," the feature would be "Let it Be."

I'm not interested in Peterson not being kept around for the final year of his contract. I'm not interested in speculating upon the empty promises that he made, or about the abundant accusations of only being concerned with team revenue and full seats at the stadium. I am willing to acknowledge that he turned this franchise around from the dismal days of the late 70s and most of the 80s, and I am interested joining Chiefs fans in saying that it was time for change. I'm certain that that statement comes anchored to disagreeances that would suggest it was time for a change 10 years ago. I'll not disagree with that.

What I do want to focus on is a particular phrase from Clark Hunt's press conference yesterday. And suffice it to say that Peterson allegedly tendered his resignation so that Hunt and the Chiefs had sufficient time to get the search for a new general manager underway as soon as possible. Hunt was asked who would be responsible -- himself or the new GM -- for deciding whether or not Edwards would be retained in 2009. And what Hunt said was (paraphrased) this: "I trust that the new general manager (who, for the record, will not be involved in a president/CEO fashion) will have significant input into that decision, but ultimately it will be mine."

That, to me, is the single best tidbit to come out of this. Sure. It's great that he's breaking up the three titles that Peterson has held for 20 years. True, it's wonderful that he seems serious about getting the proper figures in here that will deliver winning football. And absolutely, it is wonderful that Hunt has said he will find the candidate outside of the organization. The reason, though, that I think it's great that he'll make the decision is because it, coupled with Peterson's resignation, means that Hunt cares -- or at least wants to create the illusion that he does -- about more than revenue dollars, about putting championship football on the playing field.

Credit, as is almost always the case in the rhythm of Chiefs beat, goes to Adam Teicher of The Kansas Ciy Star. He broke the story yesterday, but the rest of the staff deserves a ton of credit, too. Joe Posnanski's piece touches closest to what I've been feeling. The headline is "Hunt Finally Steps Forward;" the jump header is "Emotion at Last." Teicher adds another piece of his own here. And of course Jason Whitlock gets a nod, mostly since he's been asking Santa for this sort of Christmas gift for literally years.

There are a ton of other angles to this story, such as that of Peterson's first hire Marty Schottenheimer, and that of (likely) Peterson's favorite pick in his KC tenure, and of course, that of the relationship between Hunt and Edwards, and how it may or may not develop.

The skinny as of right now is that Hunt has said he has a broad list of candidates, and that he will have it narrowed down so that he may begin the interviewing process by the end of the season. Along with a lot of folks, I'm pretty damn stoked. I may differ in that I appreciate those things Peterson has delivered, and that I'm not one who has called for his firing for any length of time. Ever really. I do think a change was necessary, but I never thought the painting needed to be one that depicted Peterson as the enemy, a hometown villain, or an evil figure. Was he at times arrogant? Perhaps. But I believe Peterson had championship football in mind for the Kansas City Chiefs, but the plans just didn't unfold how he envisioned he would.

I'll not forget that Carl put the Chiefs on the competitive map, that he did a lot for this city. I will admit that this transition is exciting, one that rivals the Glass family's hiring of Dayton Moore.
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Late-Night StubTube: Clark Hunt



(video courtesy of Arrowhead Pride)

We'll get around to some thoughts on this slightly massive development post-business hours this evening. Suffice it to say that this is the biggest story in Chiefs history since the tendered resignation of Marty Schottenheimer.

Also, Neil Diamond rocks.
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Monday, December 15, 2008

Oh. My. God.



Way limited on time right now, but holy cow, Chiefs fans, the ship has come in. More on this later. Much more.


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Lame Duck

I see that Bankmeister is finding ways to have a little fun with the football abomination that occurred yesterday, which is fine. I've incessantly mocked his historically bad franchise all year, he can point out the fact that the Broncos are on the brink of the kind of collapse only Mets fans can fathom.

What you need to start the week with, though, is this clip:



Once he's released from custody, Mike Shanahan has arranged for that Iraqi journalist to replace Darrell Hackney as the Broncos' backup QB. Did you see how he maintained composure amidst the pass rush of armed security personnel? The accuracy on that second shoe was remarkable.
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Sunday, December 14, 2008

Open Letter to the Lord Our God



I haven't asked for much this season, God. And you've delivered even less. But come with me, father of Jesus Christ, beyond the jump, to examine my last request. Well, my last request for today anyway...

Okay, it's kind of a combination request package, but I'll keep it simple.

1) One week from today, I need the Denver Broncos to lose when they host the Buffalo Bills at InVesCo Field at Mile High Stadium. On that same day, I need a San Diego Charger road win at Raymond James Stadium against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

2) The week after that, those two AFC West teams face off at Qualcomm Stadium. A Charger win on that day would be cooler than Easter. For real.

And that's it. You pick the scores; arrange them so that your fantasy team goes off, even. I don't care about attendance, or injuries, or anything beyond those results. That is, if you want to throw the above-pictured zebra into that game, that might be awesome, too. But if not, at least make it so this



comes up no less than five trillion times in the week leading up to the game. Thank you so much.

Your devout son,
bankmeister
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Short Sunday Sermon: "Land of Confusion"

Well, that was some game. The Chiefs have lost to the Chargers by a total of two points in two games this year. Late in the game, I was trying to decide which was better: beating everyone in the division, or jeopardizing Denver's division-championship chances. And, as my buddy just put it in a text message, "As far as losses go, that was pretty damn satisfying."



This 1986 video from Genesis makes more sense than the 2008 Kansas City Chiefs season. Go Panthers.


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