We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: A-B-C, 1-2-3

Seems like about every winter, I look around, notice it's past mid-December, and I'm Already Behind with Christmas (ABC) shopping. I also notice, on occasion, that my Ass is Bitterly Cold here in the midwest, and that I'm Always Bitching about Chiefs football. Well, at least there's some consistency in my life. Along that same plane is the pre-Christmas cold I seem to frequently get, leaving my body Achy But Chilly. But life goes on, and to aid it in going on, I try to think of positive thoughts, like other As, Bs, and Cs. Or any combination of those letters, really. It's pretty simple, and I'll show you how after the jump.

Aden Bianco



Aden Bianco's a good place to start.



She's also a good place to finish, so I hear.

Audrey Bitoni



I'm a big fan of backup plans, and Audrey Bitoni is certainly a part of my backup winter first aid kit.



She helps me forget about my owies,



my scratchy throat,



my crappy job that doesn't pay enough to buy gifts,



not to mention, my train of thought.

Adrienne Curry



Cooking with curry is good for the sinuses.



Actually, Curry is good for lots of things.



I just can't think of what they are right now.



I just know that this particular blend of Curry



is a natural supplement



of which Mike Cox is a huge fan.

Anna Falchi



Whenever I get motivated to go Christmas shopping, I think of Miss Falchi, and I get distracted.



Actually, I'm distracted right now.

Angelica Bridges



Miss Bridges is a model for clean health and high spirits.

Anna Tatangelo



Anna's dressed up as Santa's helper at my local mall.



Or I might've fantasized about that the other evening.

Autumn Reeser



Autumn Reeser reminds of warmer climates and non-snow-packed roads, two things I haven't seen in some time,



and likely won't for a while.



But I feel the tingling warmth of the fire in the chimney of my mind.

Bella Valentine



Bella's last name is inspiration for the end of February nearing, which of course means the end of freezing winds.

Bree Conden



I've done the "burning up Sunset Beach" before, and it was nice.



And hey, who doesn't dig on some cactii?



I make guava-cactus martinis all winter, and Bree likes them lots, especially 'cause I make hers extra prickily.

Carly Ann Rose



I also spare no expense at continuing to tan all winter,



since, you know, it keeps me tan as a Rose.

Charlotte McKenna



Charlotte reminds me of the bed linens I need to get for my aunt for Christmas,



and the gallery of Miss McKenna my basement could use.



While I'm at it, I'll probably pick up a new hat. For the cold nights.

Christi Shake



Christi, however, helps me recall that I'll need to hang the stockings with something sturdier this year.



Something with a lot more support, that won't give way with extra weight,



or allow the candy to rip from its protective fabric.



It'll have to be something with arching support though, to hide those secret last-minute gifts.

Emma Boughton



When all my prep is done, and I've kicked this cold, I'll think of surfing.



Topless of course.

That's your lesson in letters and digits. Happy holidays to you, and to the proprietors of Gorilla Mask and Daily Niner.
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We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: Leaves of Change

There's nothing like the pride a man takes in admiring his freshly cut lawn. Same goes for taking in a neatly shovelled driveway, sidewalk, and stoop. There are a lot of household chores that are frequently dreaded, but often appreciated when done. A tidied garage, trimmed hedges, cleaned-out gutters, they're all humbling. There's one chore I just simply cannot fucking stand though: raking leaves. Nothing in the universe of tasks sucks more rotten egg farts than raking. When I was a kid, we'd put out 100 bags of leaves every autumn. One. Hundred. Now, if you calculate how many piles are assembled, how many times one bends over to scoop up said piles, how many times portions of scooped piles blow away, and how many curse words are uttered and yelled during this process, you'd find enough pure crap in there to fertilize a garden the size of Asia.

What's worse is this: you mow, and you're done for a week. Shovel, and you're off the hook until the next snowfall, and even if it keeps falling uncontrollably, it's still just a storm that will subside in a few days, worst case. This is of course unless you live in Canada or Russia, and in that case, you're duh-umb. How often do we clean the gutters and garage? Trim the hedges? Seasonally. How soon, after raking does it look like you have to rake again? Ten fucking minutes.

That's why I keep the mower nice and tuned up year around. I don't care if it takes 12 passes per square foot to get up the leaves, I ain't raking. I got better shit to do with my time...
Alex Del Monacco



...like rake Alex Del Monacco,

Alina Vacariu



or hang in a hammock with Alina.

Anita Dark



Most chores need to be done by the light of the sun, but a little Anita in the dark never hurts.

Danielle Lloyd



I don't frequently garden indoors, but I can certainly help keep Miss Lloyd's bushes trimmed.

Emily Alexander



Raking though? Huh-uh. The only bags I'm scooping are Emily's.

Farabe Cottingham



Miss Cottingham agrees. She hates leaves, but can certainly appreciate the briskness of fall.

Fernanda Tavares



Fernanda? Same deal. Sand's way better than leaves.

Gemma Massey



Sometimes, hired help is well worth the money. Well worth it.

Jessica Barton



Not only does leaf-falling mean lame work, it means that gone are the days of bare-chested yardwork. I suppose that leaves some shirtless tasks to tackle indoors, though.

Jurgita Valts



Know what else sucks about early fall? It freakin' rains a lot. And that makes raking so much better. I don't like bagging wet stuff. Well, not always, anyway.

Louise Glover



Often, I find it best to ignore the damn leaves, busy myself with indoor entertainment...

Lindsey Strutt



...you know, 'til it's nice out again.

Luisiana Lopilato



Some guys use a blower. I might try that one day.

Monica Bellucci



I'd much rather lay back, though,

Samantha Blake



and appreciate the unchanging beauty that's not in my yard.

Suzanne Carlson



That's why the ocean's cool: It gets cold. You don't get in it. Then it's warm again for you to enjoy, without even lifting a finger.

Tasha Nicole



Or the mountains. You know that underneath those layers, they're always there, and inviting.

Tiffany Selby



It'd be nice if our yard was like our car. We could put it in the garage when we weren't using it, and take it out, beautiful just like we left it.

And that's it for today. I hate you, leaves. When I'm forced to deal with you, I feel like a Gorilla in a Mask.
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