This Time. I'm Losin' My Mind, This Time: Fo'

If this feature is new to you, it goes like this: Crappy songs. There's lots of 'em. My noodle seems to be a magnet for 'em. I can't help it. I don't know how it happens, and I'm trying like mad to figure out a way to make it stop. So far, this feature has perhaps made it worse. Each week I'll drop a five spot on you, four of which should make you want to choke a litter of kittens. If they don't, you might be worse off then I am.

5. "Rocker" by AC/DC



I imagine a few of you might not have the skin to make it 30 seconds through this clip, but from my vantage point, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap is one of the most underrated albums of all time. Old-school AC/DC kicks some serious ass and we should all take a moment to thank Bon Scott for leaving the world a better place.

4. "I'm Into Something Good" by Herman's Hermits



If you're my age, you probably remember the Peter Noone version from The Naked Gun soundtrack better than the original, but that's not important right now. What is important, or at least noteworthy, is that this song isn't bad. It's kitschy and upbeat, reminiscent of everything found in the kernel of '50s and '60s feel-good pop. I don't have any negative feelings about the Hermit's number, but I also don't want it stuck in my head because it drives me freaking insane when it is.

3. "White & Nerdy," Weird Al Yankovic



I like Weird Al. Always have. He's clever to the Nth degree and you have to appreciate the gall he's had for most of 30 years. When he first hit the scene in the early '80s, I felt like he was novel enough that I was able to retain significant portions of his lyrics. I still remember significant portions of "Eat It" (perhaps because I owned Weird Al Yankovic in 3-D), and I can still recall good chunks of "Fat" (probably because I owned Even Worse) -- "Don't you call me portly, pudgy, or stout"! After that, though, Al kinda dropped off of my radar, which in hindsight is largely appropriate.

The dude keeps making records, though. Hell, he just put one out in April. Anyway, I don't know any of the "White & Nerdy" lyrics, save the refrain, which means that the song itself wasn't running through my head, but that one line was, over and over and over again, and lemme tell ya' -- I was tempted to impale myself with a spork because of it.

2. "Road to Nowhere" by Ozzy Osbourne



I'm not certain why I bought a copy of No More Tears when it came out, but I'm pretty sure I felt compelled to because I was just getting into Black Sabbath, and thought it pertinent to acquire some solo stuff, but that's neither here nor there. As a kid -- right around the time I was getting my Weird Al geek on -- Ozzy Osbourne was biting the heads off of bats and doves on stage, and that sent me a message: stay away. Stay far, far away from this lunatic.

Of course I'm old enough to know now that it was for show, and while I still don't agree with such ridiculousness, I am able to recognize the massive significance of Osborne's body of work. This album came out in 1991, and I actually ended up going to the show when it came to town, too. I'm not going to sit here and break down the release, but similar to the phenomenon with "White & Nerdy" I only had snippets of this number on repeat in my head: That opening whine of a lyric -- "I was looking back on my life"; the refrain; and that obnoxiously shrill Zakk Wylde guitar loop made for a montage of insanity up in there and believe me when I tell you that I had to dunk my skull in the toilet and flush to evacuate it.

All in all, though, the songs that got stuck in my head last week weren't that bad. I mean, considering the hands I was dealt in each of the previous three weeks, I was feeling like I'd come out on top. Until...

1. Sheena Easton's "Almost Over You"



Don't ask, man. I have no idea. I've been with the same woman for eight and-a-half years. There're no past relationships still haunting me, and I certainly am never listening to Delilah. You know what I did a ton of as a kid, though, was tune in to Casey Kasem's weekly Top 40, and I'm guessing this cut was in the mix at some point, or at least mailed in as one of those sappy dedication bits. If I knew the answer, I'd share it. Until then, I'll just continue to load my ear canals with Jawbreakers until I can't hear this horrific recording anymore.

There's your five-pack for the week, and here's to hoping your brain's not as messed up as mine.