Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mike Cox Is Limp With Disappointment

The AFC Pro Bowl rosters were announced, and Mike Cox is unaroused. Instead of a chance to get inside some strange Hawaiian action, Mike Cox has been dissed and left hanging. Mike Cox is sore and blue.

Le'Ron McClain is your Pro Bowl fullback? Dude. Mike Cox does not get happy at the sight of Le'Ron McClain. Mike Cox did not force his way into any of the Die Hard movies, and Mike Cox certainly didn't vote for the Republican ticket. Mike Cox had some interest in Sarah Palin until she started to speak, at which point Mike Cox shriveled in horror.

Mike Cox is also displeased with his so-called "teammates," who totally Cox-bloxed him from sticking Mike Cox in the Pro Bowl.

Mike Cox is disgusted by Brian Waters. That fat fuck is flat-out coasting on rep alone, not the repetitive hammering that Mike Cox brings to the game. How on Earth do you think Larry Johnson gets a single yard? Brian Waters? You must be out of your God damned mind. MIKE COX FINDS THE HOLES, AND MIKE COX HITS THOSE HOLES WITH FURIOUS THRUSTING AGGRESSION. Brian Waters wouldn't know a hole if it jumped in front of him, lifted his gut rolls and kicked him in the groin. Mike Cox knows a hole by its scent, and Mike Cox likes discovering tight little holes and opening them up into giant gaping chasms. Then your Johnson can just waltz right through. It's like throwing hot dogs down a hallway.

Mike Cox is less angry about the selection of Tony Gonzalez, but Mike Cox still does not like Tony Gonzalez. No matter how many times it is whispered that Tony Gonzalez likes dudes, or that his marriage to luscious October (whom Mike Cox would very much like to brush up against) is a sham, Mike Cox is not friends with Tony Gonzalez. Got it?

Unless somebody recognizes Mike Cox soon and sticks him deep into that Pro Bowl, Mike Cox will pull out. You don't get Mike Cox hopes up and then jerk him around. If you do that then Mike Cox has to go into a closet and spit in a tube sock. So call your Congressman, and get Mike Cox in the Pro Bowl. Remember: Mike Cox can not enter on his own, you must stick him in.

Don't disappoint Mike Cox. The memory of Mike Cox is long and thick.


rustoleum said...

I can't believe you honestly suggested I read this.

Hercules Rockefeller said...


elover said...

As most women will tell you Mike Cox is not photogenic, he is pasty, pale, and just sort of hangs around most of the time. That is until game time, and then Mike Cox is a machine, sometimes a well oiled machine. The fact that Mike Cox is not on the AFC roster is a slap in the face of all men, a big mushroom stamp.

Dylan said...

That was a very strange post.
Even with the overdone pun.

bankmeister said...

Rusty -- that was my suggestion. I figured Seven might've forgotten how much you really dig a healthy dose of Mike Cox.