Baseball In The Daytime: 8-27-08

A trio of day games are perched on today's MLB slate, but the bigger news is out of the bag: Instant replay starts tomorrow. That's right, tomorrow. Not at the start of next year. Not with a trial period in Double-A or the Instructional League. Today's games will be the last wholly governed by humans, and tomorrow we deputize the machines for assistance.

Look, I'm not anti-replay. I like technology. Like Reggie White once said, give the Japanese a toaster and they'll give you a watch. And I like getting calls right, and I hate dismissing good ideas in the name of asinine traditions. But who, other than the Clinton wing of the Democratic Party, tries to change rules in the middle of a season? How is that possibly a good idea? How is it that umpires, who don't like this adjustment and who weren't consulted in its implementation, will manage replay with any sort of skill on the fly? How will they not botch more calls now than with the old system?

I predict that this season is fucked on this front. This will affect the pennant race and this will affect the playoffs. At this point I don't know the specifics of this change--once I get filled in I'm sure I'll have many more thoughts. But for now, Bud, this overreaction gets a fat thumbs down from this fan. On to the games...

Chicago Cubs @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain I don't know what the weather's going to be like in the Steel City today, but let's assume the forecast calls for glorious. If you're in Western PA, you can make your way downtown and to PNC Park to take in a matinee against the first-place Cubs. You can shell out twenty bucks (what the average Pittsburgher clears in a week) for a seat and twenty more for some peanuts, Cracker Jack and a brew. You can sit in the sunshine and watch the game languidly unfold before you. And then you can realize that you are in Pittsburgh and you have more than a fourth grade education, and you can get the fuck out of there before the dumb and the fat infect you. Jason Marquis and Zach Duke are your starters.

Arizona @ San Diego, 1:35 On the other hand, if you live in San Diego, you can fuck off. Seriously. No one likes you. D'Bags starter Randy Johnson doesn't like you, although he's pretty grouchy with everyone. Padres pitcher Cha Seung Baek doesn't like you--he'll only live in your fair city for a few more weeks before being shipped to yet another club. I don't like you. Brian Giles likes you, but only because he's so enthralled by your beautiful city he refuses to play anywhere else. Go to hell, San Diego.

Minnesota @ Seattle, 2:40 The AL Central has just turned into a God damned dogfight. Daily hand-to-hand combat. With Detroit's complete implosion, only the Twins and the White Sox are left standing, and Chicago's fine play of late leaves them two games free as of press time. Minnesota tries to stay close with Glen Perkins on the Safeco mound today opposite Ryan Feierabend. Seattle is still playing hard, for one reason and one reason only. They're on pace to be the first team ever to lose 100 games with a payroll in excess of $100 million. You can do it, Mariners. 82 down, 18 to go. Stay strong and resolute in your commitment to losing, and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-22-08

It's yet another Friday, the next to last before the unofficial end of summer. I say summer ends on Labor Day. For some it ends with the first official college football games, which are coming up on Thursday. Which would make today the last Friday of summer. That doesn't fly with me--look at these games we're stuck with Thursday. They're horrible. Just go with my original game plan--summer ends on Labor Day.

And don't get me started with that equinox crap. This ain't no astronomy blog, Pointdexter.

So here's your standard preview for your standard Cubs game, just hop over the ivy...

Washington @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Mountain This one should be a treat. The Cubs come in with the game's best record and best run differential, they've scored a whopping 171 more runs than they've yielded. Meanwhile, the Nats are dead last in both categories. If this were, say, football, you'd install the Cubs as 30-point favorites.

But this is baseball, where anything can happen. John Lannan, today's starter for the Nationals, could throw a two-hit shutout. Ryan Zimmerman could hit three home runs off of Cub hurler Jason Marquis. Chicago could hit into seven double plays. The umps could botch a few calls, or Aramis Ramirez could make a few errors. Anything could happen, but what's most likely is that the Cubs win 8-2. Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-21-08

Today's docket seems hand-selected for the House of Georges. We've got a Royals game for Roy F. Almania and Co., a Cubs contest for Cecil and all the bandwagon poseurs, a Rockies game for residents of the Centennial State and finally a Marlins-Giants game for...um...well, for people who like to bet. All that's missing is a Red Sox-Angels game, but we know how those tend to end up. Best to leave it off.

So gather round, kids, with a glass of lemonade and a transistor radio, and take a nice cool sip of Baseball In The Daytime...

Kansas City @ Cleveland, 10:05 Mountain At what was once known as Jacobs Field (or "The Jake" to hipsters round the bend), the Royals visit the Indians this afternoon. Or this morning, if you tilt westward. Cliff Lee attempts to burnish his Cy Young credentials as he shoots for his 18th win against only two defeats, while Zach Grienke tries to run his win total into double digits.

Cincinnati @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 At the Friendly Confines, former Cubbie skipper Dusty Baker brings his duffel bag full of toothpicks and his team bus full of Redlegs to play some baseball. My prediction of a Reds' playoff berth looks pretty foolish right now. Go ahead, take your shots. They're nothing like what Cincy starter Josh Fogg will face in this dangerous Cub lineup, while Carlos Zambrano gets the call for the home nine.

Colorado @ LA Dodgers, 1:10 Jorge de la Rosa wears the purple while Derek Lowe sports the blue in this NL Central West showdown at Dodger Stadium. The Rox have been a little feisty this week, taking two in a row from LA to knock the Dodgers out of first. But Arizona is now scoring runs and winning, so it's probably all in vain. The Blake Street Bombers sit eight back of the D'Bags in the division and are still waiting for someone, anyone, to give them some reliable outs on the mound.

Florida @ San Francisco, 1:45 When I saw the pitching slate listed as Johnson/Palmer, I thought "Sweet!" Randy Johnson versus Jim Palmer, Hall of Famer against Hall of Famer, should be a great game. But then I remembered that it's 2008, not 1989. And then I remembered that Jim Palmer retired long before The Unit even finished his amateur career at USC. And then I remembered that this is the Marlins and Josh Johnson, and these are the Giants and Matt Palmer. And then I went back to work. Good luck, gentlemen, and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-20-08

I know the Dodgers don't play this afternoon--they're scheduled to face the Rockies tonight at Chavez Ravine. I still want to use this space to bash Jeff Kent.

Jeff Kent is one of the finest second basemen ever to play this game. Go ahead, look up his numbers. Few at his position have ever hit like he has. Unfortunately, Jeff Kent is also a huge giant piece of shit as a person. This goes far beyond his moustache, which is actually pretty awesome. No, Kent's doucheness is acute and long-lasting. It's pretty hard to have a feud with Barry Bonds and have folks take Barry's side, but that's Jeff Kent. Bigger fuckstick than Barry Bonds.

Jeff Kent once wrecked his motorcycle in the offseason, which is a bad enough deal for a ballplayer. The bigger problem was that Kent had recently signed an enormous contract, a contract that specifically forbade him from riding motorcycles. Faced with the prospect of voiding the contract and losing millions, Kent did what any dipshit asshole would do, he lied and said he broke his leg whilst washing his truck. Which is totally probable. Jeff Kent does not like it when I go to games and yell at him, asking him how clean his truck is. But fuck him.

I could go on and on about how shitty a teammate Jeff Kent is, how he has singlehandedly tried to ruin the impressive youth movement the Dodgers are in the midst of, how he got Grady Little fired (actually a plus), and how in his spare time he adopts cats and then drowns them in his hot tub. I'll let that go, because that moustache is pretty awesome.

But this I can't let stand. Now Jeff Kent has committed an even greater sin upon the dignity of the game of baseball. Since the Dodgers acquired Manny Ramirez, merely one of the 20 best hitters ever to hold a bat, Kent has been killing it. One could draw the logical conclusion that Kent, hitting in the prime spot directly in front of Manny, is seeing great pitches and capitalizing on them. No way, says Jeff Kent. Totally unrelated, fuck you and fuck Manny. Or something to that effect. Which is all fine, because everyone knows Jeff Kent is a world class dick. Not content with that, Kent went on and impugned the integrity of Vin Scully, who discussed the connection of Kent's hot streak to Manny's arrival on air.

Jeff Kent criticized Saint Vincent. This can not stand. I've never asked anything of Dodger fans, a species that is below earwigs in my book. But tonight, I implore you, let Jeff Kent have it. With twenty thousand voices, ask him how clean his truck is. Boo his sorry ass. And while I never condone such actions, if someone throws a battery at him I'll smile, on the inside. Don't let us down, Humberto.

Oakland @ Minnesota, 11:10 Mountain While the Twins try to hang with the White Sox in the race for the AL Central flag, the A's are on cruise control to nowhere. You mean trading away our three best pitchers is a bad thing? Shit! Left behind after the purge in Oakland is young Dallas Braden, who'll match wits with Fransico Liriano at the Hube.

Seattle @ Chicago White Sox, 12:05 In another matchup pitting Central contender vs. Western loser, the Mariners take on the Pale Hose at U.S. Cellular. Somehow this season R.A. Dickey made his way from the Rangers to the M's, I'll go ahead and say that's the least important trade of the year. R.A. starts for Seattle, while Gavin Floyd takes the ball for the home team.

Houston @ Milwaukee, 12:05 The Astros have been hot lately, and in fact were the focus of a section-front story in USA Today yesterday concerning their playoff hopes. Playoffs? Cecil hates it when I cite McPaper, but I'll always counter that the multicolored fishwrap is no less accurate than the New York Times. On a dissimilar note, how does a grown man end up with the name Wandy? That's the handle of Houston starter Wandy Rodriguez, who today battles Manny Parra and the Brewers. Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-18-08

It may be easy to forget about baseball, what with the Olympics and preseason football and that wicked case of crabs you caught over the weekend, but it's still here. Yup, for another month and a half, plus playoffs! Now if you think baseball is boring, that may be a bad thing. But if you're an intelligent individual that appreciates the graceful nuance of scratching nuts and spitting, rejoice.

We have a pair of reacharounds on tap, so take a good firm grip and pull...

NY Mets @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain Back in 1898 the USS Maine sank in Havana Harbor, precipitating the Spanish-American War that made both Teddy Roosevelt and a young private named John McCain famous. Some years later, John Maine was born in Parts Unknown, USA (actually Virginia).

Today Maine (John, not USS) takes the hill against Paul Maholm and the Pittsburgh Pirates. His Mets are aiming for a sweep of this four-game set and their seventh straight win overall. It's no coincidence that their recent hot streak has coincided with Maine's removal from the disabled list. Remember the Maine, To Hell with Spain (and Maholm)!

San Francisco @ Atlanta, 2:30 There are no foreign war entanglements associated with this contest, starting pitchers Barry Zito and Jorge Campill are both pacifists. Zito knows all the words to Afternoon Delight, however, and Campillo is really good at the card game Uno. Today's baseball trivia has been brought to you by Lucky Strikes, now with Flavor Crystals! Light 'em up and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-14-08

We've been served a heaping helping of day baseball, so I won't dilly-dally too much. If you are among the sick, lame and/or lazy, if you are a housewife, midwife or silverfish, if you are a college student, drunk or dope fiend, or if you're sick of watching fencing, check out a ballgame.

To find those ballgames, hop over the chalk...

Toronto @ Detroit, 11:05 Mountain MLB's only Canadian team invades MLB's only city perched on the US/Canadia border in a vivid demonstration of nationalist fervor. Spectators will keep an eye out for Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick at the game, wondering if watching this team from the Great White North will be a violation of his probation, like his last trip to the country was. Kwame's pulling for Tiger pitcher Armando Galarraga, who starts against the Jays' Jesse Litsch.

Kansas City @ Chicago White Sox, 12:05 It's Earth Day at US Cellular Field Today, as both clubs trot out recycled starters and try to pass them off for shiny new objects. For the visitors, it Braves castoff Kyle Davies. The home team went deep into the rubbish bin for the dashingly named Lance Broadway. Lance was the Pale Hose' first round pick in '05 but has bummed around in the minors and developed somewhat of a bust label. Let's see if he can't find some of that old Broadway magic against the punchless Royals lineup.

San Francisco @ Houston, 12:05 The Astros are sort of, kind of hanging around, eight and a half games out of the wild card at press time. I'm pretty sure they'd be leading the NL West, let's put it that way. Today they marshall the forces of Brian Moehler, who's been on a bit of a tear. Your Giants' starter is Kevin Correia, who should just change his name to Kevin Korea and make life easier for hacks like me.

Arizona @ Colorado, 1:05 At one point, Dan Haren went by Danny. Then, like all men should, he dropped the kiddie handle and turned into a Cy Young-caliber ace. Watch him mow down Glendon Rusch and the miserable Rockies at Coors today. Or, go wash your car. See if I give a fuck what you do.

Tampa @ Oakland, 1:35 The football team that plays at this park--Network Associates Coliseum, I think they're calling it these days--battled the baseball team that plays in the Tampa area in Super Bowl XXXVII. The Bucs hammered the Raiders that glorious day, and the A's try to extract their revenge this afternoon. Sean Gallagher gets the task, while James Shields attempts to thwart that stuff.

Milwaukee @ San Diego, 1:35 Finally, we get a genuine fan-fucking-tastic pitching showdown at Petco. Ben Sheets versus Jake Peavy is probably the best BITD duel we've seen this year, or at least that I can remember. Of course, I can't remember anything, so we could have had dozens of matchups as good or better than Sheets/Peavy this season. The smack will do that to a guy's brain. Find a clean syringe and go Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 8-14-08

We've got half a dozen games to catch this thrilling Thursday full of lights-free baseball, so let's not waste any time. Okay, we'll waste a little. If the season ended today, here'd be your playoff contenders in the National League: The Cubs would be the only shoe-in. That is, we'd have to have one-game playoffs between the Phillies and the Mets to see who takes the East, and Arizona and L.A. would have to do the same out west. My guess would be that the loser of the NY/Philly showdown would nab the wildcard, but I'm back to sucking at math, so I could be wrong. Over in the American League, the other Chicago club would scrape by for the Central title, while Tampa Bay gets the nod in the East, and the Angels have obviously dominated the West for most of the year. Your AL wildcard would unfortunately be that stinking rich team from Beantown. Alright, that was a thrilling exercise. Onward to the games!

Toronto @ Detroit, 12:05 Central: It's cats and birds, birds and cats for BitD's first contest on this fine August day. A battle of right-handers consisting of Jesse Litsch for the visitors and Armando Galaragga for the home team gets underway momentarily, and each of these pitchers seeks to continue improving their fine young careers. Litsch, in his second season, looks to increase the left column of his 8-7 record, and narrow the gap between his Jays and the Yankees, while Galaragga, already having notched 10 wins in this his rookie season, hopes to bring his Tigers closer to .500 ball for the year. Listen in at XM 179, or catch it on the tube: 722 Jays, or 723 for the Tigers feed on DirecTV.

Kansas City @ Chicago, 1:05: Two more AL Central clubs square off this afternoon, and the matchup is Kyle Davies (5-3) versus Lance Broadway. In perhaps the tell-tale symbol of how the Royals typically fare against the White Sox, this will be the second start of Broadway's career (his first of the season); his first was last year against these same Royals, an effort that yielded the youngster six shutout innings and his first and only win. Having struggled this past week against both Stockinged ball teams, KC again finds itself in the AL Central cellar, while the White Sox still hold a half-game first place lead over the Twins. One eighty's your XM number, while DirecTV has it South Side style on 724.

San Francisco @ Houston, 1:05: Kevin Correia takes on Brian Moehler in this NL tilt. The Giants starter has struggled this season gaining only two wins to his six losses, while the 'Stros hurler sits at 8-4. Both clubs find themselves deeper in the middle of their respective division standing than they'd like, but Houston's the winner of seven straight, forever focused on the Cardinals in front of them. This snoozer can be watched (I suppose) on DirecTV 726, or heard on XM 186.

Arizona @ Colorado, 2:05: Now this game's the one to watch. Dan Haren brings his 12-6, 3.00 E.R.A. to the Coors Field mound, where his foe will be the 5-3 Glendon Rusch. The home team took the win last night, in a slugging festival, but the visitors need it badly as they sit tied atop the NL West with ManBerto's Dodgers. It's 1-8-9 time on XM; 727 (D'bags) and 743 (Rockies) over on the DirecTVs.

Milwaukee @ San Diego, 2:35: This, another pitcher's match, gets going out in the Whale's Vagina this afternoon, and features Ben Sheets and Jake Peavy. Sheets' 11-5 record trumps Peavy's 8-8, but both tossers have kept their E.R.A.s under three thus far. San Diego continues to play really bad baseball while the Brew Crew only has three and-a-half games separating them and the NL Central-leading Cubs. XM broadcasts it on 187, while DirecTV does the same on channel 729.

Tampa Bay @ Oakland, 2:35: Another battle of righties closes the BitD slate today out in the Bay area, when James Shields represents the visiting team, Sean Gallagher the home. The Rays will need to continue their winning ways (7-3 in their last 10) if they want to keep the Red Sox off their heels, and that task will be a bit more difficult now with Carl Crawford headed to the DL. Oakland, however, sits 20 games back of those stifling Angels from Los Anaheim, and so they're just really collecting their checks. Speaking of the A's, I caught InFocus last night, and it featured the late 80s A's, and how they were constructed. The main point of the piece was how their club featuring the Bash Brothers and Dennis Eckersley, et al, is now historically overlooked, with which I concurred. It never really occurred to me that they'd been in three consecutive World Series twice: 1972-74, and 1988-90. Anyway, for more overlooked Oakland baseball, dial in your XM gadget to 182 for today's match, or do so on DirecTV, right around 728.

Those are today's games, y'all. Time in, tune in, and turn out.

(Update: It occurred to me post-publication that Old No. 7 had taken on BitD today as well. I blame two things: Our non-existent Managing Editor, and the ultra-competitive vibe between the two of us this week, as I'm secretly destroying Seven in Fantasy Baseball. Hoo-wah!)
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-13-08

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, remembering two things. One, my student loan payment is due tomorrow. God I hate my student loan payment. All that stupid shit I bought because the dumb government gave me the money.

The other is Baseball In The Daytime. Twas to be an easy beat today, with just a lone Yankee game on the docket. But lo, Mother Nature interjected and rained out the Cubs and the Braves last night, doubling my workload. Doubling! So now I don the tools of ignorance--coffee, keyboard, green eyeshade--and tap tap tap away at another installment of America's favorite feature.

Briquettes of insight after the jump...

Chicago Cubs @ Atlanta, 11:10 Mountain This is the first game of a precipitation-precipitated double-dip. If you only have the time or the means to take in one, by all means make it the nightcap featuring Rich Harden and Jorge Campillo. Should you be stuck with the matinee, well, crack an Old Style and make the best of it. Your visiting Cubbies hand the ball to Jason Marquis, your basic 4/5 starter who's given his club some innings this year while managing to avoid shitting his pants. I wouldn't imagine we'll see Marquis much come October unless things go horribly wrong...oh fuck, there I go jinxing the Cubs again. All apologies.

Meanwhile, the home Braves go with a gentleman named Charlie Morton. I know nothing about him, which doesn't mean much. It could be that Charlie Morton is a great undiscovered baseball treasure. Or Charlie Morton is the single crappiest pitcher to hike an MLB mound this season. Back in the old days, when the Cubs and the Braves were the only two teams you could regularly watch (on WGN and WTBS respectively), I hated these series because it meant being stuck with the same two clubs we always watched.

NY Yankees @ Minnesota, 11:10 Is this the final game for the Bronx Bombers at the old Metrodome? You have the Internet, you can find out for yourself. Alls I know is the Yanks are handily tanking, and the Baby Boss has all the excuses. Yes, Hank Steinbrenner emerged from his playroom yesterday and issued all sorts of proclamations--that these Yanks are the most injury-plagued team in history, that this season is a lost cause, that next year God damn it we're taking it all. OK then. You have to admit, any Yankee year that prominently leans on Darrell Rasner is probably not going well. The woebegotten righty faces Kevin Slowey today as New York tries desperately to stay relevant. Keep you chin up and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-11-08

On Saturday night at Coors Field, I had a lot of fun. Even though the home team lost, I got a chance to heckle Brian Giles mercilessly. Giles turned down a deal to the Red Sox last week, passing on a chance to play in the postseason for the first time. He's rather stay in last place. So I called him a bum and a loser and he went 0-for-5. Good times.

Much has been made about Manny Ramirez's actions just before the trade deadline, what many see as him quitting on the Red Sox. Manny was traded to the Dodgers, and all of a sudden he's hitting like crazy, hustling, and his "aching" knees seem perfectly healthy. On Saturday, Buster Olney posted this on his blog:

These are observations made only with the benefit of 20-20 hindsight, and not meant to be a criticism of Bud Selig. Nobody in baseball is conditioned to deal with the possibility that a player might willfully become a cancer on his team in pursuit of a contractual change. But privately, as the smoke has cleared, many folks within the game believe that what might have taken place with Ramirez represents a threat greater to the core tenet of baseball competition than any player ingesting steroids -- "At least those guys were trying to get better for themselves and the team," said one GM -- and perhaps as great as the Pete Rose and Black Sox betting scandals.

Now I'll agree Manny's actions were shameful. Any player that does not appear to give full effort toward winning should be benched, fined and publicly lambasted. But why is there not a similar outcry over what Giles did? Why is choosing to play for a lousy team and spurning a winning one any different than the petulant tantrums of Manny Ramirez?

But that's enough deep thought, let's get to the sunshine hardball...

Pittsburgh @ NY Mets, 11:10 Mountain It's always interesting to see what happens to dominant pitches as they get a little older. Some, like Nolan Ryan, just stay dominant. Some, like The Rocket and The Unit, maintain much of their bite but see their ERAs climb a little and their strikeouts decline. Some, like Kevin Brown, simply go away.

And then you have guys like Pedro Martinez. He was the finest pitcher on the planet at the turn of the millennium, an untouchable artiste. His filthy stuff was matched only by his shocking bravado and Jheri curls. But then Pedro milked one last big contract out of the Mets and fell apart. His starts are less appointments than little surprises--"Hey, Pedro's pitching today." He can barely register 90 on the gun, he tires quickly, and his breaking pitches just sort of roll. It's a little sad, but at least he's out making a living, as opposed to swimming in Kevin Brown's pool full of stolen money. Zach Duke goes up against Pedro today at Shea.

Washington @ Milwaukee, 12:05 As the Brew Crew tries to hold on in both the NL Central and wild-card races, the Nats are playing out the string. Today the start a kid named Garrett Mock. You'd think I would make sport of that handle, but you'd be wrong. Nothing to Mock here. The Brewers go with Dave Bush, whose Spanish name is Arbusto. Play Ball!

Update: Upon doing a little research, I discovered that Brian Giles actually has playoff experience. Quite a bit, matter of fact. He played on the excellent Indians teams that went to the dance from 1996-98, and his Padres snuck in to the NL postseason in '05 and '06. He has a .208 lifetime October average with no homers in 29 games.

My point still stands. If you're satisfied with a career that peaked with four at-bats in the '97 World Series loss to the Marlins, you're playing for the wrong reasons. San Diego is beautiful and its ladies are magnificent. But you can live there in the offseason and live there for the rest of your life. If you're afraid of playing for a good team, you're a loser.
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-8-08

It's Friday, so we have a Cubs day game, which we'll get to in due time. But you'll also notice that we kick off the Olympics tonight--the Chinese have a mythical connection to the number 8, so 8-8-08 gets them all hot in the shorts.

The Olympics actually already began. They've had soccer games for several days now, because for some fucking reason you can't fit enough soccer games into three God damned weeks and they have to spill over into a fourth, thus interrupting my ritual morning intake of Joe Scarborough. Fuck you, soccer. Actually, it's not soccer's fault. I'm pretty sour on the entire Olympic movement right now, for reasons I will list in excruciating detail.

REASONS THE OLYMPICS SUCK

The Opening Ceremonies These already happened as well. You see, it's a big round world, and China is several hundred hours ahead or behind us. NBC was able to cut that delay to only thirty hours, by excavating a site in rural Kansas, digging straight down through the Earth's crust until they came out in China. But all the images were upside down, which required descrambling. That's why it will look like Beijing is so polluted, it's the descrambling.

The Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics are the gayest event ever conceived. They even have a giant display of two Greek dudes having anal sex, right there on the track. They don't show it on US television because of that prude John Ashcroft, but it's there. They have a bunch of children wearing scarves and dressed as candles and they throw confetti. Good God it's gay.

No Baseball The IOC is getting rid of baseball, because they say it's too American. Never mind that the U.S. has won exactly one gold and one bronze medal in the entire history of Olympic baseball. Never mind that we sucked at the World Baseball Classic too. Never mind that it's the most popular sport in Asia and Central America and the fastest growing sport in Europe and South America.

MLB fucked this all up in the first place, of course. Had Bud Selig instituted IOC-level drug testing back in the 90s we'd have Dream Team Olympic involvement by now, but Bud decided he'd rather let Sammy Sosa turn into a backhoe.

Baseball is too American, yet curling is an Olympic sport. Curling. 95 per cent of the world's curlers live within 50 miles of the U.S.-Canada border. But that's a winter sport, and the Winter Olympics suck even more than the summer version. One thing Curling has in its favor is that it is not one of the...

Judged Sports If winners and losers in your sport are determined by judges, your sport sucks. The Olympic motto is the hendiatris Citius, Altius, Fortius, which is Latin for "Faster, Higher, Stronger". You can objectively measure who is faster, who goes higher, who is stronger. But if you need to empanel judges to dictate which gymnast or diver or skateboarder was the most artistically masterful, you need to turn in your sport card, pack up your Greek buttfucking statue, and head for Broadway.

Lack Of An Enemy When we were kids, amidst the Cold War, the Olympics were fucking awesome. We attached our faces to the television and watched the Games in Los Angeles, in Seoul, in Barcelona. We watched Americans bust their asses to defeat the evil soldiers of the Communist Bloc. We were morally superior, politically superior, and we didn't hook our female shotputters up to intravenous cattle steroids like East Germany did. When Carl Lewis or Mary Lou Retton or Greg Louganis won, our system of democracy and capitalism trumped a totalitarian ideology.

Now, I could care less if the U.S. beats anyone. I'm wearing shoes made in China, a shirt made in Bangladesh, and typing on a laptop constructed in Mexico. An impressive American medal tally won't lower the price of gas or reduce the global threat of terrorism.

Superserious Political Diatribes in Allegedly Lighthearted Sports Comedy Blogs See above.

REASONS THE OLYMPICS RULE

Pollution The Chinese turned off all their factories a month ago, meaning the supply of poison toys available for Christmas will be dangerously low. Most Chinese factories are powered by a mix of dirty coal and Taiwanese children, which really fouls up the air. But look at it now! It's breathtaking!

Green Goo Beijing's waterways are choked with some seriously chunky algae, which the locals have been removing for competitions like sailing and open-water swimming--yummy.

Human Rights Here in the U.S., we're used to letting hippies and rabblerousers ruin everything. Not so in the land of the Great Wall. Protest Tibet? You get shot. Good policy.

So in closing, I predict that these Olympics will suck balls, with the exception of horrible ecological travesty and lack of free speech. Enjoy!

St. Louis @ Chicago Cubs, 12;20 Mountain Braden Looper and Ted Lilly renew this rivalry, which no one really cares about. Seriously. There aren't any decent baseball kerfuffles going on. Giants-Dodgers, Yankees-Red Sox, the various city and state interleague affairs, all boring. I thought that this Rockies-Diamondbacks scrum was going to really heat up, but then the Rockies decided to suck this year. Feel free to watch anyway, and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 8-07-08

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another fine installment of "Baseball in the Daytime," where we tell you what's going on, then remind you of how good a job we do. Or is it the other way around? Either way, four contests to preview today, and they're all of the NL variety. And of course, by "NL variety," I mean they blow. But that's cool. We throw Cubs fans and Dodger fans the occasional bone. Dogs gotta eat, too, right? But enough about that. Let's jump ahead to the start times associated with contest locales.

The Fathers of Saint David @ The Metropolitans of the Less-Old York, 11:10 (Central): The home-team sends 9-7 Johan Santana to the hill today, where his foe will be Josh Banks. The Mets are currently three games back in the Central, and the Pads are, um, nowhere close to contending for much in the worst division in baseball. Over on XM Radio, catch this tilt at approximately channel 187. DirecTV has it on 722. Either way, Santana looks for career win 103, while Banks looks to even his 3-4 record.

Steaky Fish Associated with Blue @ Made-up Mascot Word from Pennsylvania, 12:05: The league-leaders in the East hope to further separate the distance between themselves and the team that chases them. Philly ace Cole Hamels gets the nod today; his counterpart is Chris Volstad. Hamels hasn't logged a victory in over a month, while the Florida rookie seeks win number three. One eighty-six is your magic XM number; it's 723 Marlins-style on DirecTV, but one channel higher if you seek the Phils' feed.

New Squad That Employs Manny Without Paying Him @ Redbirds of Missouri, 1:15: Clayton Kershaw will be on the hill at Busch today when this tilt kicks off; the lower halves of innings will feature Kyle Lohse. Both clubs are stuck in chase mode right now, as Humberto's Boys continue to battle Arizona, while the Cards have their work cut out for them with the Cubs and Brewers not being interested in losing. Catch this number at 188 on XM, or your choice of Dodgers feed (725) versus Cardinals feed (726) on the DirecTizzle.

Primary Cities of States and/or Nations @ The Largest North American Mountain Range, 2:05: Our last afternoon game of the day pits Jason Bergman against Jeff Francis in the first half of a double-header. The righty Bergman aims for win number two in nine decisions, while the Rockies' lefty comes in at 3-7/5.67. Translation: neither guy is very good. Colorado sits seven and-a-half back of 'Zona right now, and well, the Capitals are a towering 20 behind Philly. Ouch. This game will be broadcast on XM 185, and DirecTV displays it 727-style. Odalis Perez and Ubaldo Jimenez grip the seams in the second feature.

That's it for today. Enjoy these barn burners, or make like the rest of the baseball world, and pay attention this evening when there's some American League ball going on. You know, the stuff that matters. Fair ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-7-08

It's Live Attendance Week here at the HoG, as our various staff members have decided to purchase tickets for actual baseball games. Banky took in the Royals' home tilt against the defending champs last night, where his boys got smoked and his one of his key fantasy cogs left with an injury. Cecil and I are scheduled to drop by for the Rockies' game versus San Diego on Saturday with the wives, where I'll watch Greg Maddux pitch live for the first time. And I'm sure Anachro is bunkered at the Los Anaheim Sports Complex scouting his Halos. He's the only one of us that makes the time to regularly watch his team in the flesh, although the duties of fatherhood and husbandry definitely take their toll.

Even if you live in the remote wilderness like I do, I think it's vital to take in at least one pro baseball game each summer. We went to a few spring training contests back in March, which was nice. But I'm talking real baseball, baseball that counts. Although we're discussing the Rockies, Royals and Padres. Never mind on that, let's go to Baseball In The Daytime...

San Diego @ NY Mets, 10:10 Mountain As botched as the firing of Willie Randolph was--and make no mistake, it was botched--it did give the Mets a boost in the short term. They're back to underachieveing, but today's starter is the key to their postseason hopes. If Johan Santana pitches like Johan Santana, that's the edge over the Phillies and Marlins that Los Mets need. Josh Banks is the other guy.

Florida @ Philadelphia, 11:05 Those two teams that New York is chasing in the NL East face off in Philly today, with Chris Volstad and Cole Hamels doing the honors of starting. These Marlins are basebal zombies, they will. not. die. Uggla and/or Ramirez in slumps? No problem. Awful pitching? Who cares? They have the resilience of cock-a-roaches, which Tony Montana can not kill.

LA Dodgers @ St Louis, 12:15 Another day, another closer for the Cards. After Jason Isringhausen battled injury and suckitude, the Redbirds installed Ryan Franklin, who was great. But then Izzy came back off the DL and infected Franklin with his funk, now neither can get an out. Enter Chris Perez, last night's savior. Today? Tune in to find out. Kyle Lohse tries to get a lead to Perez or whomever, while LA's Clayton Kershaw tries not to shit his pants.

Washington @ Colorado, 1:05 & 4:00 That's right, kids, let's play two! Due to last night's torrential storm that forced many residents to build arks, a doubleheader is on tap at Coors this afternoon. The return of Jeff Francis has been delayed, further proof that Mother Nature loathes Canada. Francis faces Jason Bergmann in the opener, while Odalis Perez and Ubaldo Jimenez do the deed in Game Two. Head on down to LoDo and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 8-6-08

I find myself in the very rare position of having a little spare time this morning, so why not jump in to the matinee schedule? I must thank Banky and Anachro Capitalist for covering the baseball beat admirably lately. The wheels of commerce sometimes grind me to dust.

When last I checked in, I was deep in the throes of despair concerning the Manny Ramirez trade. Concerns about my well being were aired. Rest assured that all is well, I've ruminated and meditated and decided that things will be just fine. I still think the trade was a bad one for Boston, but Bay can play and I must admit--it's pretty fun to see Manny taking his freak show to a new team. Enjoy it, Dodger fans, if you're not too busy sniffing paint and stabbing someone with a screwdriver.

So let's take a tour around the landscape of Major League Baseball this fine Wednesday afternoon. And if you happen to be at Kauffman Stadium tonight for the Royals-Red Sox game, say hello to Banky. He'll be the one in the Jose Rosado jersey holding up the Alex Gordon EXPRESS! sign.

Milwaukee @ Cincinnati, 10:35 Mountain Things are most certainly not boring for the Brewers these days. They pulled off what you could argue was the season's most impactful trade when they obtained C.C. Sabathia last month. They put the fear of Satan into the Cubs and their fans by pulling close in the Central, then got swept in a four-game home set against Chicago. And this week Prince Fielder tried to deck his own pitcher. Good times! Today the Brewers send Jeff Suppan out against Homer Bailey at Great American, where the sausage is hot and juicy.

Cleveland @ Tampa, 10:40 It's another day in first for the Bay-Rays, whose magic number to win the AL East is 47. A win today would leave them two victories shy of their all-time greatest season. You remember it, right? The 70-91 mark Tampa posted in 2004? Man, that was some year. I recall it as if it were only four years ago. 24-year old ace lefty Scott Kazmir plants the Bay-Ray battle flag upon the Trop's mound today opposite Jeremy Sowers.

Houston @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 What exactly is an Astro? Should this team not be called the Astronauts? One day after the 78th birthday of Neil Armstrong, Brandon Backe takes one small step for pitcherkind by hurling at the mean and nasty Friendly Confines. Jason Marquis, used to having his name in lights, gets the nod for the Cubbies. If anyone got that last joke I'm sorry. It was horrible.

Baltimore @ Los Anaheim, 1:35 The fake rocks and fake tans of Angels Stadium play host to this interdivisional showdown today. Visiting Orange County are the hapless Orioles, who although mired in last managed to shut out baseball's finest club on Tuesday night. The Angels, who are on cruise control until their inevitable playoff appearance and World Series title, could give a shit. I'm pretty sure they'll start a team of one-legged midgets today behind Ervin Santana, just because. Garrett Olson gets the ball for the O's.

Pittsburgh @ Arizona, 1:40 Yet another first-place club is in action this afternoon, and that club is the Arizona Diamondbacks. If you manage to skip out on work and make it to the erstwhile Bank One Ballpark, you'll witness a fossil of baseball's Mesozoic Era. That's right, The Unit is on the bump, slinging homeward in an effort to tally his 294th career win. Go get 'em, big guy! Jeff Karstens will attempt to thwart this noble cause, in ways only Jeff Karstens can.

Atlanta @ San Francisco, 1:45 Speaking of relics from the past, check out this weird and fascinating fact. Mike Hampton won a baseball game last night. Mike Hampton! Next thing you'll tell me Cito Gaston is managing the Blue Jays. Trying to follow the example of his oft-damaged rotationmate Hampton, the Braves' Chuck James will start today at Some Phone Company Yard against Tim Lincecum. If you've never seen Lincecum pitch, make a date sometime. He's a little tyke who brings some seriously filthy violence.

Minnesota @ Seattle, 2:40 The final game on today's slate is this Twins-Mariners appearance. At one point these two clubs played in domes, but the M's moved outside (well, sort of) in 1999. Next year the Twins join the new-park club with an open-air yard of their own, a yet-to-be-named facility in Minneapolis' downtown Warehouse District. But that's enough architecture news, who's pitching today? Nick Blackburn and Jarrod Washburn? Let us resume our discussion of architecture, and Play Ball!
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 8-05-08

It's Tuesday, not Friday, yet we've got a loner in the BitD department today, and it does involve the Cubbies. This is reminiscent of childhood, when you'd come home from morning playing outside, have a bologna and cheese, and flip on the WGNs for some Cubs baseball. Mostly because it was the only thing on, but hey -- I'm still fond of the memories. Details on the contest after the jizzy.

Houston @ Chicago, 1:05 (Central): Things got a little stormy at Wrigley last night, as a near-three-hour delay and tornado warnings sent Cubs fans packing. In slightly less scary conditions, Dan Harden takes the mound today for the home squad. He'll bring his 6-2 record and 2.04 E.R.A. to the hill, and his counterpart will be Wandy Rodriguez. The visiting lefty is 6-3 with a 3.61, while his club sits a dozen back from the division leading Chicago team. I'm certain this game will be viewable on WGN, but DirecTV will also carry the tilt. The 'Stros feed is on 722, while the Chicago version's one channel higher. XM broadcasts it on the 183. So don your throwbacks, carry compact storm shelters just in case, and take me out to the ball game.
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 7-30-08

The theme of today's BitD feature is "home is where the heart is," or something quite trite like that. There's some day games happening, and they all have a comforting little scent of home about them. We'll examine a few kids stepping into the spotlight on semi-familiaresque soil, and a couple of squads that used to inhabit the same municipality, but, uh, one grew up and moved away; the other stayed put. Believe me, it's good, heartfelt times. Tune in below the jump for the details.

Rays @ Jays, 11:37: Our first contest is an AL East matchup, and it happens north of the border this fine pre-noon, or morning as some folks call it. First place Tampa Bay pays third place Toronto a visit for the early go; Edwin Jackson and Scott Richmond tangle in this test of righties. The visiting Jackson takes the mound with a 6-7 record, while the home starter is actually at home (sort of) starting his major-league career. Translation: it's his debut, and he's Canadian, meaning he grew up watching/rooting for the Jays. Glorious. Apparently, the DirecTVs and the XMs don't care about heartfelt, warm-and-fuzzy Canadian stories, 'cause they ain't carrying the game. So I guess you'll have to shell out some dollars to mlbtv.com, or whatever.

O's @ Yanks, 12:05: In a handful of clock ticks, there'll be more AL East action, this time it'll consist of the New York and Baltimore clubs. Thrilling. Let's see, the Yankees have lost three straight, but they'll send their newest beloved douche bag, Joba Chamberlain, to the hill. He'll encounter Dennis Sarfate, who -- you can't make this stuff up -- is from Queens, and this is his first start at Yankees Stadium. Isn't that swell? Either way, he brings a 4-1 record in to the soon-to-be-dynamited ball park, and his O's have won three straight. They'll be hungry for a fourth as it would give them a sweep of the 'Stripes. Chamberlain enters the dual at 3-3, with a 2.30 E.R.A., which ain't too shabby. I hear that's pretty good for a third-place team with a $220 million payroll. Your DirecTV O's feed is on 722, your Yanks one digit higher. Listening on XM? That's a 176er.

Modern KC @ Historic KC, 2:35: A couple hours after those East Coast ball games are underway, there's an afternoon tilt on the Pacific side, and it features the Kansas City Royals, who look to redeem the sweep broomed upon them by the Oakland A's in mid-April. Now, the Royals never called Oakland home, but the A's used to call Kansas City home, and it's a getaway day, which sends the Royals -- mmm-hmm -- home after the contest. Anyway, Monday night, Zack Greinke went seven innings and logged 11 Ks, as the visiting team netted the W, and Gil Meche delivered equal inningage and 8 Ks of his own last night for the second Royal win. Today it's Brian Bannister and Sean Gallagher. While Greinke and Meche evened their records at .500 this week, Banny will need more than a win today (7-9) to do the same to his. Gallagher comes in at the 4-4 mark, and his club has their work cut out for them if they intend to leapfrog Texas and try to chase the Angels. Catch this one on XM 182. That's why I be like: F**k DTV.
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 7-25-08

Time to talk Cubs baseball. It's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got sh*t to do. Indeed. Wrigleyball is our lone BitD topic today, so take me out to the ball game you worthless chump.

Florida @ Chicago, 1:25: The loner feature today pits Mr. Ryan Dempster of the solid 11-4 mark against the fresh-off-Tommy John-surgery Josh Johnson. This is the Marlins youngster's third outing since his recovery, and he'll be looking for a decision in this match, as he's yet to earn one.

The Cubs still maintain their first-place NL Central lead, but the Brew Crew has won eight freaking games in a row, and now only sits one game behind them. Likewise, this match will be important for Florida, a mere two games behind Los Mets in the East, so pitching will be key. The Cubs could use some solid work from the mound, having sent Kerry Wood to the DL yesterday for the 12th time in his 10-year career.

Also sent to the DL was Kansas City Royal Joey Gathright. Team sources say Gathright has a shoulder bone bruise. I call it a horrible case of permanent suck.

Dear Dayton Moore: His speed on the basepaths is a stupid desire because he never gets on base. The outfield is in great shape without him; he's never going to amount to a hill of beans. Just cut your losses. Please. I'm begging you.

Anyway, Cubs-Marlins. Catch it on DirecTV 722, or channel 186 on XM. Whatever you do, kill da' ump!
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 7-24-08

We've got a trio of matches slated for this fine day of late-July baseball. One of today's games feature league leaders, while the other two tend more towards the bottom of their respective divisions. Of the three, two are of the National League variety, while the lone AL contest features a guy looking to keep up with the Mussinas in the double-digits wins category. I'll give you a hint: he hails from Denver, CO and boasts 1200+ strikeouts in his career. That, and he just might be the cat pictured here on the left, but I can't give away any other details. Find out more on this mystery man after the jump.

Phillies @ Los Mets, 11:10: The first on the docket today is a slugfest between the tied-for-first-place-in-the-NL Central clubs that call Philadelphia and New York home. The Phils send lefty Jamie Moyer to the mound, he of the 9-6 record and winner of his last two starts. His opponent will be the also-southpaw Oliver Perez, who currently sits at 6-6. The Mets took yesterday's contest 6-3, likely angering the Phanatic and all baseball fans in Philly. Check 722 for your Philly DirecTV feed, 723 if you root for Los Mets. XM calls the pitches on 189.

Blue Jays @ Orioles, 11:35: Twenty-five minutes later, 11-win Roy Halladay and the Canadian Blue Jays take on Daniel Cabrera and the Baltimore birds. Both of these righties are on the positive side of .500 for their personal records thus far, and both clubs likely don't enjoy their spots at the bottom of the AL East. The Jays are 10 games behind the Rays, while the O's have another half game to whittle away. DirecTV's got the match on 724, and XM will hook you on the 178.

Capitals at Giants, 2:45: Later in the afternoon, it's a war between the coasts, as two more righties square off in the form of San Fran's Matt Cain and Washington's Tim Redding. Both pitchers have their E.R.A.s above four, and will seek to lower them in the Bay Area. Nats feed over on DirecTV is 725; Giants is one digit higher. XM delivers the broadcast 183-style.

That's what's in store for BitD today. Now get out there and gripe about that strike zone!

(Update: It just occurred to me that this post didn't get published before I left the house this morning -- a.k.a. prior to the start of these games -- which certainly had nothing to do with the fact that I was still drunk when I woke up, which renders this post totally useless. Annoying? I'm in agreeance. I blame Al Gore.)
Read more

Baseball in the Daytime: 7-23-08

It's a good thing there's not any less daytime today than any other non-night chunk of time, because there's a bunch of Wednesday affairs happening around the league. Five of our six divisions are tight as a calf-muscle cramp in the middle of the night. The only one that's a bit skewed is that bastard AL West that just invites Texan teams in out of the kindness of its heart. Well, that and because nobody else'd have 'em. Anyhoo, lots of baseball to preview, so let's dive right in.

Whale's Vagina @ WKRP, 11:35: This match kicks off in moments, so we'll get this post up and edited so's the likes of yas can tune in where necessary. Your pitching matchup is a doozy: Greg Maddux against Bronson Arroyo, or Triceratops meets Matthew Nelson. Okay, nobody would say that. Old dude vs. semi-young hippie? Maybe. Anyway, the Gergmeister brings a lowly three wins to the contest while Balky boasts eight victories, but a higher E.R.A. The Padres don't have anything shy of the worst record in baseball, and the Reds really have their work cut out for them if they wanna hang around in October. Magic Eight Ball says: Not fucking likely. Pick this snoozer up on the XM dial. If ya' lickin', it's 183.

Greg Wesley's New Home @ Sister City to St. Petersburg, 11:40: Here we have the Athletics at the non-devil Rays. Greg Smith challenges James Shields in a dual. The visiting ace looks for his sixth win of the campaign, while Shields seeks the inverted six. Oakland has some work to do if they want to catch Los Pornaheim in the West, and now's the time to do it, as Tampa Bay has gone 3-7 in their last 10, allowing the Socks of Rojo to pull within a half game. DirecTV has this one on channel 722; 179's your spot if your XMing it.

One-half of Twin Cities @ City That Never Sleeps, 12:05: The stupid Yankees have won five games in a row, and they'll send Mike Mussina and his 12 victories to the hill to take on lefty Glen Perkins, who himself has seven wins and has won the last three he's started. In the Central, the Twins are only a game and-a-half back of the Stockings of Blanco, while the Yankees long to mount Boston from behind. I have no idea what that means, but they trail the Rays by three and-a-half. DTV hooks many a brotha' up with the Twins feed on 723, while comin' at ya' New York Style on the 724, and that'd be a 176er for you XM kids.

We've a pair of contests that get underway five minutes after one.

Ass of Tex @ those aforementioned White Stockings, 1:05: The six-win/six-loss poster child for mediocrity known as Kevin Millwood trots to the visiting mound today, while the South Siders send debut hurler Clayton Richard to the rubber. With Jose Contreras on the DL, this kid was called up, and he managed to net 12 wins and keep his E.R.A. under three all season. The Sox will need his minor-league success to translate to the bigs if they're to cling to that AL Central lead, while the Rangers have shown marked improvement on what was a terrible start. They're actually right there in the race with Oakland to try and catch the never-settling Pornaheimsters. Rangers feed on the 725; Sox on 726. XM delivers the match on the numeric palindrome channel, 181.

Steel City @ We Have a Problem, 1:05: This contest will cause a lot of eye boogers to form in your orbs, and increase your desire for a Red Bull ten-fold. Two clubs, both at 46-54, tied for last in the NL Central, send a couple of Pretty Boy Floyds out to throw. Ian Snell, and his 3-8 mark faces the hometeam town Astros, and the 5-4 Brian Moehler. Geez. I may have to nap after previewing that one. I certainly won't pick up the 727 DirecTV, or the 188 XM, but you can if you like.

Motown @ & the Sunshine Band, 1:10: Here we have Armando Galarraga at 7-4 taking on...what? a Royals pitcher with a +.500 mark? Zack Greinke has a 7-6 record, but don't worry, his E.R.A. is almost at six. Anyway, strange game. The Royals dominated the ailing Tigers early in the season, sweeping them in both sets. Detroit returned the favor, however, stomping the Royals 19-4 two nights ago, and 7-1 last night. This is far from a rubber match. It's a mercy match, and you can find it on on DirecTV 728 (Tigers) and 729 (Royals), or listen in on XM 180.

City of Angels @ Rocky Mountain High, 2:05: I expect the home team should win this one. It's time for the Rockies to regain their post-season composure from a season ago, and start winning some ball games. That, and National League teams from Los Angeles are queerer than gay Sunday brunches with thuper-duper peppery Bloody Marys. The Dodgers are one game behind Arizona, and will send the 5-6 Hiroki Kuroda out for a ball-chucking contest against the 3-3 lefty Glendon Rusch. Rusch has been assigned losses for five of his 10 starts against L.A., and managed to keep his E.R.A. just under 15. So, uh, yeah. Forget about that part where I said the home team, blah, blah, blah. DirecTV 694/XM 185.

City Hated by Jesus @ City of Angels AL-style, 2:35: Here's a winning combination: It's the lefty Laffey and the righty Lackey in a both-hands battle to the finish. Laffey and the KC-threatening Tribe hope to add to their three-game winning streak, while the Halos have got the switches and knobs set to cruise control. Lackey's 7-2 on the year