Baseball In The Daytime: 8-27-08

A trio of day games are perched on today's MLB slate, but the bigger news is out of the bag: Instant replay starts tomorrow. That's right, tomorrow. Not at the start of next year. Not with a trial period in Double-A or the Instructional League. Today's games will be the last wholly governed by humans, and tomorrow we deputize the machines for assistance.

Look, I'm not anti-replay. I like technology. Like Reggie White once said, give the Japanese a toaster and they'll give you a watch. And I like getting calls right, and I hate dismissing good ideas in the name of asinine traditions. But who, other than the Clinton wing of the Democratic Party, tries to change rules in the middle of a season? How is that possibly a good idea? How is it that umpires, who don't like this adjustment and who weren't consulted in its implementation, will manage replay with any sort of skill on the fly? How will they not botch more calls now than with the old system?

I predict that this season is fucked on this front. This will affect the pennant race and this will affect the playoffs. At this point I don't know the specifics of this change--once I get filled in I'm sure I'll have many more thoughts. But for now, Bud, this overreaction gets a fat thumbs down from this fan. On to the games...

Chicago Cubs @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain I don't know what the weather's going to be like in the Steel City today, but let's assume the forecast calls for glorious. If you're in Western PA, you can make your way downtown and to PNC Park to take in a matinee against the first-place Cubs. You can shell out twenty bucks (what the average Pittsburgher clears in a week) for a seat and twenty more for some peanuts, Cracker Jack and a brew. You can sit in the sunshine and watch the game languidly unfold before you. And then you can realize that you are in Pittsburgh and you have more than a fourth grade education, and you can get the fuck out of there before the dumb and the fat infect you. Jason Marquis and Zach Duke are your starters.

Arizona @ San Diego, 1:35 On the other hand, if you live in San Diego, you can fuck off. Seriously. No one likes you. D'Bags starter Randy Johnson doesn't like you, although he's pretty grouchy with everyone. Padres pitcher Cha Seung Baek doesn't like you--he'll only live in your fair city for a few more weeks before being shipped to yet another club. I don't like you. Brian Giles likes you, but only because he's so enthralled by your beautiful city he refuses to play anywhere else. Go to hell, San Diego.

Minnesota @ Seattle, 2:40 The AL Central has just turned into a God damned dogfight. Daily hand-to-hand combat. With Detroit's complete implosion, only the Twins and the White Sox are left standing, and Chicago's fine play of late leaves them two games free as of press time. Minnesota tries to stay close with Glen Perkins on the Safeco mound today opposite Ryan Feierabend. Seattle is still playing hard, for one reason and one reason only. They're on pace to be the first team ever to lose 100 games with a payroll in excess of $100 million. You can do it, Mariners. 82 down, 18 to go. Stay strong and resolute in your commitment to losing, and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 7-3-08

If you like to watch baseball, one thing you should never do is buy your own home. Sure, purchasing property is part of the American Dream and the single most responsible thing you can do for the struggling economy. But it fucks your baseball season, man. Big time.

When else is the wife going to decide to concurrently remodel your bedroom and install a sprinkler system in the yard? That shit ain't happening in March, not if you're married to a teacher. No, that only goes down in July, when the pennant races are heating up and your team is getting blasted by the fucking Bay-Rays.

So here's some Baseball In The Daytime for ya, you jerks. Enjoy it. I'll be at work until my lunch break, when I get to go stick some pipe in a trench. Same thing I'll be doing tomorrow, on the national holiday. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, unless they buy a house, in which case those men enslave themselves for a lifetime of chores in exchange for some lousy equity that's diminishing anyhow. God Bless The U.S.A.

LA Dodgers @ Houston, 12:05 Mountain In each of the last five seasons I've predicted that the Dodgers would win the NL West. They always have the division's highest payroll and they assemble great teams on paper. But they nearly always disappoint. This year, with Joe Torre, a mix of veteran and nice young everyday players and deep pitching, I thought once again that they would take the flag.

These Dodgers still might, but they've let a golden opportunity pass by. Arizona's hot start has melted, as the D'Bags dropped to .500 this week. LA still sits a game and a half back because they can't piss straight. Everyone's hurt, Torre hasn't helped and the pitching staggers around as if sniffing paint. Today's starter Chad Billingsley has a 3.38 ERA but only a 7-7 record to show for it. He won a game on Saturday, in fact, in which his offense didn't collect a single hit. Try to do that sometime, it's really hard. Billingsley faces Brandon Backe of the Astros, who listens to Creed.

Milwaukee @ Arizona, 1:40 Those very Diamond Bags get a little BITD in themselves. In this matchup of teams with convertible houses, the Brewers of fan-shaped Miller Park infiltrate Chase Field, which resembles a box of bread. Manny Parra dons the road grays across from Brandon Webb in home whites. Unless one team or both wears those stupid solid-color BP jerseys, which are weak and vaguely un-American. In a time of global terror we must wear serious baseball uniforms, men. Now suit up and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 6-9-08

The word for today is reacharound, kids, and I implore you to use it often. The reacharound is a pleasant feeling you get when your weekend series can't quite wrap it up by Sunday and it has to sneak over to Monday afternoon to get 'er done. The term has no other uses, nope, never.

So have a seat, and let the gentle fingers of Baseball In The Daytime caress your fanhood until you're a happy customer...

Arizona @ Pittsburgh, 10:35 Mountain Our first reacharound occurs at the confluence of the Allegheny, Monongahela and Ohio Rivers, at beautiful PNC Park. It features your still first-place D'Bags and the scrappy Pirates. How scrappy, you ask? Well, they're nine and a half out and in fifth place. Sounds like the same old Pirates, you say. But hold on there, Mr. Cynical. The Bucs actually hold the same record as the Dodgers, who reside in second in their division, and are within a half game of the Mets, who have the second-highest payroll in the sport. So yes, they're scrappy. Your reacharound starters are The Big Unit and The Duke, which is fitting.

Kansas City @ NY Yankees, 11:05 Nowhere is the reacharound tradition more legendary than at venerable Yankee Stadium, site of today's contest between the Bombers and the Royals. Although the Yanks are gunning for the series win in this four-game set, it is the boys in occasional powder blue who could easily be setting up for a sweep. If they could pitch better, that is, and I suppose being able to pitch would be a prerequisite for sweeping a major league baseball team. Joakim Soria blew a ninth-inning lead on Saturday, while Zach Greinke could not hold a one-run edge in yesterday's contest. Today Luke Hochevar will be given the ball to start, but the score will be 0-0. Keep it together, kid. Mike Mussina drags his Archie Bunker hide to the mound as well.

Minnesota @ Chicago White Sox, 12:05 Getting some reacharound is a pleasant surprise, and these Pale Hose are one of the biggest surprises in baseball. Chicago holds a five and a half game lead over these Twins after taking the first three games of the series. That represents the biggest divisional lead in the game. When reached (around) for comment, manager Ozzie Smith Guillen said "Fuck you, fag." Fair enough, Oz. The skip sends John Danks, bro, into battle against Glenn Perkins, a rare instance when two starters whose names both end in "S" face one another. Reach around gently, boys, and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-26-08

GOD BLESS AMERICA and God damn Canadia while we're at it. It's Memorial Day, when hard-working Americans take some time off, fire up the Kingsford, drink to excess and watch a little Baseball In The Daytime while they're at it. All across this great land there are extension cords snaked out to patios, stoops and decks, marrying the fine art of barbecue with the electronic transmission of, ugh, Skip Caray.

North of the border, however, those heathen hokey-loving fucktards are for the umpteenth time bastardizing both our great nation and our great national pastime. The Blue Jays have chosen this sacred holiday to once again thumb their noses at our veterans and the great wars they've fought to keep Canada safe from global oppression. You think you could have made it five minutes against the Axis alone, you Canuck cocksuckers? How did your Mounties fare fighting the Afghans, the Iraqis, Al Qaeda, the Vietnamese, the Koreans, the Germans, the Brits, the Mexicans, the Grenadians? That's right, you stayed home eating your cured ham and skating on ponds.

I'm a big advocate of pulling our brave men and women out of Mesopotamia, but I'm no pacifist. Let's send those soldiers, planes, tanks and bullets to Canadia and reclaim what's rightfully ours. Hell, I'll get off my fat blogger ass and fight too. Then maybe they'll schedule a Memorial Day game at a proper and dignified American hour...

Kansas City @ Toronto, 10:37 Mountain Have fun planning around this Royals game today, KC. Let's see, I need to get down to Price Chopper and pick up some steaks, grab some beer, the bank's closed, that's out, get home, light the coals in time for first pitch at when? I'm telling you, Ontario as the 51st State never sounded so good. Brett Tomko and Shawn Marcum (Actor: "What do you want on her face?" Director: "Marcum! Marcum!") start this one off to the strains of two national anthems.

Arizona @ Atlanta, 11:05 Back in the States, a pair of early Cy Young candidates lock horns in this Georgia peach. Many expected former Cy winner Brandon Webb to get off to the start he has (9-1, 0.98 WHIP). But few foretold the emergence of Jair Jurrjens into a poor man's ace (5-3, 1.17). Few outside of yours truly, that is. Let's not all start sucking each other's dicks just yet, however, I also thought Rich Hill would take it to the next level. And that level was not "Triple A."

NY Yankees @ Baltimore, 11:35 While these two knuckle-dragging clubs have virtually the same record a nickel south of first-place Tampa, they couldn't be more different in terms of public perception. The Orioles, sayeth the casual baseball observer, are toast. The Yanks, however, should right the ship any time. Not so fast, kid. Unless they suddenly start growing pitchers in a terra cotta pot in the dugout they will sink this season. Darrell Rasner, the first seedling from said pot, totes a 3-0 record into this game against Garrett Olson. Oh, and let me go on the record as saying that moving Joba to the rotation is dumber than a bag of hammers.

Milwaukee @ Washington, 11:35 From our nation's capital comes this Memorial Day's most patriotic contest. It features the Brewers, which is appropriate because Samuel Adams and Benjamin Franklin invented beer and it is produced in no other nation, especially Canada. Ben Sheets is the Sconnies' starter, while Jason Bergmann takes up the flag of the hometown Nats.

LA Dodgers @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 From the Friendly Confines comes our final exhibition of sunshine roundball. Chad Billingsley was bumped from his scheduled turn yesterday by the kid phenom Clay Kershaw and goes today. Now many veterans would bristle at this slight, but Billingsley ought find the plate once in a while before he starts pulling rank. Ryan Dempster starts for the Cubs, but Ryan Dempster is a God damned Canadian. That sound you just heard was Humberto enlisting in the Marines, ready to invade the moment he's given the order from his superior. All jokes aside, folks, take a little time today to thank a vet, and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 5-9-08

Just one game today, kids, your standard Cubs-are-home-on-a-Friday-let's-play-before-dark affair. God bless the Cubbies, and we'll get to the game preview in a sec. But first, a fairly tremendous feat.

Courtesy of Walkoff Walk, that baseball blog with whom we once had a juvenile one-sided feud, comes this freakishly unbelievable story of quite possibly the greatest baseball achievement of all time. A kid who pitched a perfect game and hit for the cycle ON THE SAME FLIPPING DAY. Read on...

A senior right-hander, Wall struck out six batters and retired 15 in a row in a five-inning, 18-0 victory over Coal Ridge. At the plate, the left-handed hitter tripled, singled, doubled, then homered in only four innings.

Later, Wall rescued a school bus full of children, wrote a bestselling novel and patched a large sinkhole in I-25 using only a square-point shovel. He then finished his homework, brushed his teeth and went to bed. Pretty good day.

Arizona @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 Mountain Those mighty D'Bags, who just one week ago looked as though they might clinch the NL West crown by Flag Day, have fallen on comparatively hard times. After splitting a series against the Phillies and losing one to the Mets, they're a pedestrian 5-5 over their last ten. Meanwhile, the Dodgers have caught fire and pulled to within three and a half. Luckily for the Snakes, the rest of their division is comprised of crippled war veterans and baseball-playing moles--and moles have no sense of the strike zone and will therefore swing at anything.

Meanwhile, on the North Side, everyone's favorite lovable losers are struggling their own selves. The Cubs have dropped three straight series, including one this week to the lowly Reds. They sit two back of St. Louis, who never really seems to lose ballgames. Today they'll send Ted Lilly out against visiting Dan Haren. I'm sure it's on WGN, which even homeless people get on their cable packages. Play Ball! Read more

Baseball In The Daytime: 4-16-08

As we pass the ides of April, the daytime hardball action begins to dwindle. Soon big league clubs will dispense with all the off days and snow delays and settle into the 162-game grind, with most games played at night to maximize revenue and avoid the blazing sun. Oh, we'll get our Tuesday and Thursday getaway tomfoolery, the occasional Monday reacharound, and of course Fridays at Wrigley, but they'll be rare, my friends.

Today gives us a solo shot of game action, featuring possibly the least valuable player in the majors. After the jump get your preview, as well as our running analysis of our shadow, Walkoff Walk's eerily familiar "Such A Fine Looking Afternoon."

Arizona @ San Francisco, 1:45 Mountain Your scorching-hot D'Bags take their best-looking-team-in-baseball schtick to McCovey Cove today for an engagement with the Giants. The Snakes' young lineup continues to absolutely hammer the ball, with even rusty Conor Jackson belting a bomb last night in an 8-2 win over the G-Men. Today Arizona's ace righty Brandon Webb gets the ball, where he'll toe the rubber of San Fran's freakishly tall mound.

Opposing Webb is Barry Zito, he of the $126 million Giant contract, and 11-16 Giant record (with a hefty 4.53 ERA to boot). Is Zito, considering his compensation, the game's LVP? When you look a the other nine-figure deals in baseball, almost all are met with at least comparable production. A-Rod is the best hitter in the game, Jeter is a perennial All-Star, Manny is a Hall of Famer. Todd Helton doesn't earn his pay, but he's the face of a franchise and a beloved captain. Vernon Wells and Carlos Lee are big-time outfielders and run producers. Miguel Cabrera and Johan Santana just signed their deals but look like sound investments.

The only guys you can compare Zito to are Mike Hampton and Jason Giambi. Both signed $120-million-ish contracts that expire this season. Giambi has been a brittle, defenseless schlub of a Yankee, has never won a title in pinstripes (though that's clearly all A-Rod's fault), but he hits an occasional clutch jack. Hampton has matriculated on to several different teams and can not stay healthy at all. So I guess your typical Zito outing is better than your typical Hampton start, which is a Triple-A pitcher filling in for him while Mike eats Cheetos. Way to go, Barry. You're only the second biggest waste of an eighth of a billion dollars out there.

Walkoff Walk Watch WoW is a solid baseball blog, run by longtime Deadspinners Rob Iracane and Camp Tiger Claw. They publish a number of regular features with wit and wisdom, including the sublimely excellent Corey Patterson Watch. Now I certainly don't want to sling monkey shit at the one and only man who could grant me a Deadspin commenter's account, but it has to be said: Walkoff Walk are some idea-snatchin' motherfuckers. Their new feature, Such A Fine Looking Afternoon, is a blatant heist of Baseball In The Daytime.

So we will, from time to time, assess the performance of these pilfering bastards. After all, who would have a better idea of how skilled a thief is than the victim of the crime? I know, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Today's SAFLA is...not there as of press time. So I guess that'll be an F. The day baseball beat is a tough one, boys. Occasionally you have to wake up at ten. I do have a promise of an Iracane live-blog for the AZ-SF game, so we'll keep an eye out. As dedicated as I am to the national pastime, I'm nowhere near committed enough to sit through an entire Giants game, much less crack wise about it. Good luck, gents, now let's Play Ball!
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