Baseball In The Daytime: 5-26-08

GOD BLESS AMERICA and God damn Canadia while we're at it. It's Memorial Day, when hard-working Americans take some time off, fire up the Kingsford, drink to excess and watch a little Baseball In The Daytime while they're at it. All across this great land there are extension cords snaked out to patios, stoops and decks, marrying the fine art of barbecue with the electronic transmission of, ugh, Skip Caray.

North of the border, however, those heathen hokey-loving fucktards are for the umpteenth time bastardizing both our great nation and our great national pastime. The Blue Jays have chosen this sacred holiday to once again thumb their noses at our veterans and the great wars they've fought to keep Canada safe from global oppression. You think you could have made it five minutes against the Axis alone, you Canuck cocksuckers? How did your Mounties fare fighting the Afghans, the Iraqis, Al Qaeda, the Vietnamese, the Koreans, the Germans, the Brits, the Mexicans, the Grenadians? That's right, you stayed home eating your cured ham and skating on ponds.

I'm a big advocate of pulling our brave men and women out of Mesopotamia, but I'm no pacifist. Let's send those soldiers, planes, tanks and bullets to Canadia and reclaim what's rightfully ours. Hell, I'll get off my fat blogger ass and fight too. Then maybe they'll schedule a Memorial Day game at a proper and dignified American hour...

Kansas City @ Toronto, 10:37 Mountain Have fun planning around this Royals game today, KC. Let's see, I need to get down to Price Chopper and pick up some steaks, grab some beer, the bank's closed, that's out, get home, light the coals in time for first pitch at when? I'm telling you, Ontario as the 51st State never sounded so good. Brett Tomko and Shawn Marcum (Actor: "What do you want on her face?" Director: "Marcum! Marcum!") start this one off to the strains of two national anthems.

Arizona @ Atlanta, 11:05 Back in the States, a pair of early Cy Young candidates lock horns in this Georgia peach. Many expected former Cy winner Brandon Webb to get off to the start he has (9-1, 0.98 WHIP). But few foretold the emergence of Jair Jurrjens into a poor man's ace (5-3, 1.17). Few outside of yours truly, that is. Let's not all start sucking each other's dicks just yet, however, I also thought Rich Hill would take it to the next level. And that level was not "Triple A."

NY Yankees @ Baltimore, 11:35 While these two knuckle-dragging clubs have virtually the same record a nickel south of first-place Tampa, they couldn't be more different in terms of public perception. The Orioles, sayeth the casual baseball observer, are toast. The Yanks, however, should right the ship any time. Not so fast, kid. Unless they suddenly start growing pitchers in a terra cotta pot in the dugout they will sink this season. Darrell Rasner, the first seedling from said pot, totes a 3-0 record into this game against Garrett Olson. Oh, and let me go on the record as saying that moving Joba to the rotation is dumber than a bag of hammers.

Milwaukee @ Washington, 11:35 From our nation's capital comes this Memorial Day's most patriotic contest. It features the Brewers, which is appropriate because Samuel Adams and Benjamin Franklin invented beer and it is produced in no other nation, especially Canada. Ben Sheets is the Sconnies' starter, while Jason Bergmann takes up the flag of the hometown Nats.

LA Dodgers @ Chicago Cubs, 12:20 From the Friendly Confines comes our final exhibition of sunshine roundball. Chad Billingsley was bumped from his scheduled turn yesterday by the kid phenom Clay Kershaw and goes today. Now many veterans would bristle at this slight, but Billingsley ought find the plate once in a while before he starts pulling rank. Ryan Dempster starts for the Cubs, but Ryan Dempster is a God damned Canadian. That sound you just heard was Humberto enlisting in the Marines, ready to invade the moment he's given the order from his superior. All jokes aside, folks, take a little time today to thank a vet, and Play Ball!
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Baseball In The Daytime: 8-29-07

During this exciting week of baseball, when so many close divisional races are being contested, we get a few more afternoon games. On deck today are four matchups.

Batting leadoff are the Nationals and Dodgers, at 1:10 Mountain. I suppose you could say that L.A. is still in the playoff picture--they've won three straight and sit four and a half back in the division and three and a half in the wild card chase. Everyone's talking about how the addition of fat sweaty David Wells is reenergizing the team. Today, they send fat sweaty Brad Penny into battle versus Washington's Shawn Hill, whose weight and levels of perspiration are closer to normal levels. XM 185 and DTV 734 are your satellite stations of choice.

At 1:35, on XM 179 (no TV), Frank Thomas' last two employers take the field to see who's better. Roy Halladay represents the Blue Jays, while Lenny DiNardo flies the flag of the host Athletics. Halladay is merely having another excellent season, now that his midseason appendix removal has healed.

Same time, different channels (XM 188 and DTV 734) for the Rockies and Giants. Colorado is trying as hard as possible to blow it here, having dropped the last two to the woeful G-Men. Although they haven't lost any ground in the NL West (still 6 1/2 out), they're falling further behind wild-card leading San Diego and, let's be honest, it's all over for the Purple Warriors. Nice effort though. Jeff Francis gets the ball opposite Noah Lowry in a showdown of precocious lefthanders.

And finally, our cleanup game is the best of the bunch. The Angels and Mariners finish their series in Seattle with a getaway game at 2:35, and Los Anaheim is on the precipice of a sweep. Jered Weaver starts for the Bloods after his Crip brother Jeff imploded on the mound last night. The Mariners division deficit was expanded to four, their wild card lead trimmed to one, and they turn to staff ace Felix Hernandez this afternoon. Experience the drama on XM 178, DTV 736 (standard) and 731 (hi-def). Cheers!
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Guest DJ Scratchin': The Lone Reader on the Men's Under-20 World Cup of Soccer

Editor's Note: Welcome readers, to the first installment of guest writing on the House of Georges. This, like our other features, is sure to be a massive failure huge success, something we all bask on for months and years to come. This debut effort by the one and only Lone Reader examines the infinitely popular game of soccer. There's some soccer happenin' out there in the world, and TLR's gonna break it down for y'all.

Game on, folks. Soccer has surfaced on the HoG. Readers, consider yourselves lucky.

While I fully recognize that many folks in North America hold a strong, though curiously inexplicable, dislike for the world’s most popular sport, I just can’t justify wasting considerable column inches arguing their idiocy (this will all change within 10 years as North American soccer surpasses it’s European counterpart in just about every phase of the game – but we’re not talkin’ about that right now).To those of you who just don’t get the game … you’re goin’ the way of the public smoker, so go have a cigarette and listen to some Milli Vanilli.



For the past 10 days, Canada has played host to the Men’s Under-20 (U20) World Cup of Soccer. These teams represent the very future of international soccer, the very future of World Cups 2010 and 2014, the very future of humanity itself. Watch ‘em, damnit, or shut the fuck up. The group stage of the tournament has been completed, and only 16 teams remain. From this moment forward, it’s a do or die, single-elimination malaise for the ages. Those games begin in less than three hours, and it’s damn well time that the HoG get some prognostication in order.

I must begin by acknowledging some performances to date. All four African nations advanced out of the group round in fine fashion. The Canadian team set a new U20 World Cup record by becoming the first host-nation in history to NOT score a goal … sweet. The United States slaughtered Poland 6-1, behind a hat trick from up-and-comer Freddy Adu. Mexico, a popular pick for the title, coasted through and may well have the best individual player in the tournament, Gio Dos Santos. Spain and Argentina advanced with ease, and Brazil just squeaked past the cutting-board. Japan’s style of play proved electrifying, and may well move them late into the tournament. Chile conceded no goals and won accolades with their creative offense in defeating Canada, Congo and tying Austria to win their group.

Enough of that bullshit, who’s gonna be on top? Who’s gonna fall? Can an African nation really do it? What about North America? Are they the future of international soccer? Will we have yet another European champion … please, no.

So here it is, folks, place your bets and get ready to win. Round 2 predictions:

Spain vs. Brazil
We’re startin’ with arguably the biggest match of the round. I mean c’mon, Spain and Brazil? It doesn’t get much bigger. Spain is basically the Buffalo Bills of international soccer … choke, choke, choke. Brazil’s rather disappointing performance to date (losses to Poland, and the USA) will force them to focus. Brazil over Spain, 3-1.

The winner will face the winner of …

Japan vs Czechoslovakia
The Czechs have had trouble in this tournament, but managed to advance. Japan’s quickness and surprising toughness will prove the Czechs final problem. This one’s too easy. Japan over Czechoslovakia, 2-0.

Argentina vs Poland
Poland’s one win (1-0 over Brazil) was a goddamn miracle. Brazil had the ball 63% of the time and took 14 shots to Poland’s 2. Argentina didn’t lose in the first round on their way to scoring 7 goals. Only the US and Spain scored more, 9 and 7 respectively. Argentine soccer fans will be celebrating. Argentina over Poland, 2-1.

The winner will face the winner of …

Mexico vs Congo
This Congolese squad is the current African champion. There are few teams that combine this speed and strength. Too bad for those saps, the Mexicans have looked stunning while going undefeated. Congo just won’t be able to contain the tournament’s best player. Mexico over Congo, 3-1.

Chile vs Portugal
DO NOT MISS THIS GAME. These two teams have well orchestrated attacks and believe that attacking is the only way to win. That makes for some fun soccer … even if you’re from the States. Crowd favorites, the Chilean’s produce as explosive an attack as I’ve seen. Extensive travel and injury, however, will bring their run to an end. Watch Portugal defeat Chile, 3-2.

The winner will face the winner of …

Zambia vs. Nigeria
Both nations finished second in their respective groups, though Nigeria had one more win. Zambia finished second in a group that sent three of four to Stage 2. Still distraught from the 1993 plane crash that decimated their national team, the emotional Zambian team will march on to face Portugal. Mulenga scores 2 as Zambia knocks off Nigeria, 3-2 in overtime. BA ZAMBIA NA LELO BAWINA, CIPOLO POLO!

Austria vs Gambia
This is a tough one. Gambia suffered a tough loss to a heavily-favored Mexico, but beat Portugal handily. Austria got a win against Canada … who fuckin’ cares … but actually forced Chile to a draw. The Austrian defense will prove just a bit too slow, and Gambia beats Austria 2-1.

The winner will face the winner of …

United States vs. Uruguay
The US team has scored more goals than any other team in the tournament. On his way to 3 goals, Freddy Adu produced consistent scoring chances, while teammates Danny Szetela and Josmer Altidore capitalized with 3 goals each. Uruguay finished their round with a 2-0 loss to Zambia. The US keeps the momentum, and defeats Uruguay, 3-0.

Put a stamp on it folks. It’s as good as done.

Stay tuned, sports fans.

-- The Lone Reader

Editor's Note: The House thanks the Lone Reader for investing 400 times the amount of energy on soccer our staff of three would've if held at gunpoint. We just might have to have this guy back. Or not.


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