Thursday, May 28, 2009

Baseball in the Daytime: A Little Twinny Twin Twin, Fell-a

Welcome back for another installment of the feature you just can't get enough of. I don't blame you. I'd come back, too. There are two, count 'em, two, games on the sandwich board today, and they both look so enticing, that I think I'll go somewhere else to eat. Not far. Just, you know, further than the jump.

Tampa Bay @ Cleveland, 11:05 Central: The fact that Jesus' favorite metropolis kicks today's day baseball slot off today is fascinating. I want nothing but salvation for the fans of professional sports teams that call Cleveland home, but there's something humorous in the way that things are shaping up at the moment. Here's what could quite possibly happen today: Right-handed Jeff Niemann, who's sporting a 4-3 record and a 4.53 E.R.A., goes out and tosses a gem, while Indians starter, lefty David Huff of the 0-1, 17.55 situtation, gets lit the frank up, and pulled from the game. Angrily, he leaves Progressive Field and has 17 shots of Old Crow before running into Brady Quinn at the neighborhood saloon, who then, half-sauced himself, challenges the pitcher to an alley boxing match. Naturally, Quinn loses, and breaks every bone in his throwing hand in the process. These events promptly hit the local news just in time for the Orlando @ Cleveland 7:30 tip, which the Cavs of course lose, and trade LeBron James within a few short weeks. Watch at least the baseball part of this glory unfold on DirecTV 721 or 722, or listen in on XM 176.

Boston @ Minnesota, 12:10: Elsewhere in the Central, some jackass right-hander named Anthony Swarzak takes the hill for the now-second-place Twins. He's 1-0 wit a 0.00 E.R.A. What a dick. Speaking of cocks, Josh Beckett fondles the bag for the visiting Red Sox. This cornhole's been dilly-dallying around all season, barely scraping together four wins, and only recently getting his E.R.A. down to an even five. He's one of many highly toted kids on my fantasy club that've produced a whole lot of awesome in the way of my five-week losing streak, which is just the pinnacle of good times, I tell you. So I say screw the Twins, and screw Josh Beckett, but if you disagree, you can catch them making out facing off on DirecTV 723 or 724, or listen in on the hot man-to-man frames on XM 177.

That's your pair of afternoon baseball today, folks, and believe it or not, it's nearly half of the games taking place for the entire day. Try not to be a slouch like professional baseballers today and get some work done, will ya'?