Wednesday, March 25, 2009

We Are Hot Chicks Wednesday: Callin' Yer Shot

Every once in a while we throw up a post in haste. This is one of those every once in a whiles. It's quite possible that I've thrown up this array of talent before, but I'm too short-sided on the memory front, too lazy to look it up, and too drunk to make any better sense of the whole mess. The nugget of the piece, though, should be remembered as such: Denver fans have a tendency to have fluidity with their teams. And by "teams" I mean Broncos. They could ultimately care less about the Rockies, Nuggets, or Avalanche, but when it comes to the beloved orange and blue, they'll go to the grave with whatever retardedness a current or former Bronco says. And that's unfortuneate. Why, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

Old No. 7, citing inspiration earlier in the day, threw up this post, and 'tis true that he did vomit it. It's unfortuneate that he attached his name to it in many ways, only a few of which can I bring myself to muster. They, however, look like this:



1) "Shannon was snubbed by the Hall of Fame back in February, which is of course preposterous." Shannon Sharpe deserves to be in the Hall of Fame? For what? Being the biggest tool to ever don an NFL uniform?



Sure. he set some records and owns a few rings. Who cares. No. Really. Let's take a non-Denver poll...(Editor's Note: Crickets.) He was, at one time, a pretty good tight end. He'll never be anything more. If he gets elected into Canton, only then will we see the real exhibit of preposterity.



But it gets worse, I assure you. Seven, in his infinite wisdom, decided to allocate a box quote to the Hall's most unworthy recipient since Scott Norwood:



"But I never played on a 2-14 team two years in a row," Sharpe said.



I ask you, non-short-bus-riding citizens: To whom does this retard (Sharpe) refer? Who has gone 2-14 in consecutive seasons? I'm Jack Bauer up in this bitch. That is to say, I'm lost.



Oh, no. Please. Wait. The best point of all is yet to come.



You see, Denver Bronco fans like to attribute their back-to-back Super Bowl victories to one man.



Personally, I don't take away from the fact that they won two consecutive titles.



If there was a feasible way to negate that piece of history -- trust me -- I'd already have the patent.



The fact remains, though, that Denver fans, Old No. 7 specifically, like to attribute such feats to one man in particular.



Over here on Planet Earth, however, we're aware of the notion that -- regardless of late last calls, fat chicks, and country inbreeding, it takes a team to win.



In Denver, however, the belief is quite the opposite.



You have a tight end, who blatantly feels responsible for the franchise's successes, as evidenced by his horse-lipped mouth:



"He's all they had. I only lost five playoff games. He's lost three already."



Mos' Def, Horse Lips.



Like in 1997, when the Chiefs went 13-3, then lost to Denver. That'd be off-subject.



Tony Gonzalez was what?



Oh, that's right.



A rookie.



He had 33 catches for 368 yards and two scores that year.



But you know, it was his fault that the Chiefs lost that game.



And don't even get me started on the row-add cookin' touchdown pass he caught where he was pushed out of bounds by a cheatin' Bronco.



So, as you can plainly see, Shannon Sharpe suggests that Denver playoff losses and wins are solely attributed to him and him only, and the same can be said for Kansas City, the Chiefs, and Tony Gonzalez.

And now would be a bad time, I assume, to mention Sharpe's rookie stats. What? No? It wouldn't? Okay, well if you insist...

...seven catches for 99 yards and one touchdown. In 14 years, he accomplished less, at his exact same position, than Tony accomplished in 12. But, you know, throw in a quarterback that refused to play for the team by which he was drafted, and wah-lah -- Sharpe's better, and a guaranteed first-ballot guy.

Makes sense...

...except for the fact that in Kansas City, we focus on team. Not one guy. Tony is part of a team. John Elway was part of a team. Tony, as part of the Chiefs teams, hasn't won a playoff game. Elway, as part of a team, won many, and of course, ensuing championships, but over here on Planet Reality, we chalk that success up to the whole team, whereas a guy like Shannon, ultimate HOFer that he may be, continues to whine, along with his afficionados -- that he missed out on first-ballot status. And for that we can only say, help yourself to the box of Puffs, ese.

4 comments:

Cecil said...

You all hear that? Sounds like...loser talk? Yeah, I thought so too.

Shannon was at his best in big games. Tony curls up and pees his pants.

Other than that, this was the best WAHCW post in some time. Yee-haw!

old no. 7 said...

Look here, tough stuff. I have begrudgingly admitted that Tony Gonzalez has submitted a finer body of work in his career than Sharpe. Has he used performance-enhancing drugs to do so? Certainly. Does he enjoy the company of strange men? Sure. At the end of the day, though, I can say that he's the best tight end I ever saw.

I will also concede that Shanon Sharpe is arrogant, vain, and equine in facial feature. I've defended his loudmouthery when he was a player, because he served a unique role on his teams: the attention he drew and anger he inspired lessesened the pressure on his teammates.

His "broadcast" career has been embarrassing for anyone who respects the game of football, the English language, or basic human dignity.

To say that he's not worthy of the Hall of Fame, however, is homerism run loony. One can be a sure-fire Hall of Famer and not be the best to ever play their position--see Montana, Joe.

One can also be a complete tool on and off the field and still be worthy of induction. O.J. Simpson beheaded two people, surely a worse transgression than ruffling a few overly-sensitive Kansas City feathers, and his bust still appears in Canton. I saw it.

Watch a few episodes of that abortion CBS calls a pregame show, and tell me who's a more egotistical clown: Sharpe or Dan Marino. The correct answer is yes, but no one is calling for stripping Marino of his clear HOF status.

If Dan Marino, Charles Barkley, Ted Williams or Tony Gonzalez are eligible for the Hall, they get in easy--what they've done is enough to overcome their championship failures. Even though these guys have come up short in their most crucial moments, their body of work merits recognition by their Hall of Fame.

You can not say, however, that rings don't matter. It's no accident that Baltimore won it all with Sharpe--his leadership example and play on the field put them over the top. It wasn't all him, another surefire Hall of Famer who likes to commit murder had something to do with it. But there is no way the Ravens win that title without Shannon Sharpe.

Just because it took Derrick Thomas way too long to get in is no reason to deny the honor to someone as worthy, if not more so.

old no. 7 said...

Also, hot chicks in cowboy hats is almost as bonerific as hot chicks with guns or hot chicks bathing in mustard. Giddy up.

bankmeister said...

I gotta say: I love the name "Tough Stuff." I also love that picture. WE ARE HOT CHICKS!