Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tradition Tuesday: Gettin' Back to Our Roots

Now then. I reckon that, right around this time each week we're mumbling on about traditions and rough focuses with regard to our favorite football teams. Like most sports bloggers, we go to extensive ends to remind our readers that we are massive homers, heavy drinkers, and not afraid to take pot shots at the wives. Today, if only for a moment, I'm going to abandon that notion. You see, I'm 100 percent sober at the moment. The wife's presently on a mad streak of pleasantness (Editor's Note: Sweet Jesus in Heaven -- show me the way to bottle this concoction.) and well, we're not scoopmasters all that often, though we do have our moments. This naturally leaves me with the lone choice of breaking down the Chiefs and the Broncos with the old-fashioned fuel known as passion. Now it might take me a moment to get the spark, air, and gas to combust, but once I do, hold on to your wood screws hats, 'cause I'm'a blow your doors off.

You know, now that I think about it, I spent most of my day in various elementary schools. I saw everything from identifying nouns versus verbs to simple subtraction problems to pattern-description exercises to drawing pictures of pigs and chickens. So what better way to break it on down than with everyone's favorite tool: the alphabet. Oh yeah. Believe it.

A) is for animosity, boys and girls. Animosity is like a feeling of ill will or hostitlity. And ill will is something Broncos fans feel for Chiefs fans and vice versa. The sad thing is is that from this side of the Missouri River, it's hard to envision just what it is that makes Denver fans feel hostile towards Kansas City fans. From behind the red-and-gold glasses, the orange-and-blue franchise participated in shenanigans to get ol' Horse-Faced Colts Draft, and for most of his career (some 15-16 years), Elway and the Broncos dominated the Chiefs in the sense that they had more playoff appearances, one or two more Super Bowl wins, and a heckuva ride in which to cap the whole thing off. The only thing KC accomplished during this era was to get nearly all of the home wins against (Note: But certainly not the big one.) the Broncos, and an occasional victory at Mile High. Post-retirement, KC got consecutive wins for the last two Chiefs games at the old digs, and since the new one opened, they've not won there once. Throw in the fact that Chiefs fans suffered through the forever-stamped-as-retarded Herman Edwards Experiment and a convenient return to the AFC Championship game for Denver, and I just don't see how the animosity could flow evenly towards Hays, KS from both directions.

B) is for Bubby Brister. It just has to be. In fact, I'll crack into the aforementioned sobriety and a can of Pabst in cheersing you, Mr. Bubby Brister jersey-tucker guy. You. Rule.

C) can only stand for one thing, and that's Cutlerfucker. I have a bit more to say about this neverending nightmare of a story, but for now, get the official word on Denver preparing to trade Jay Cutler here.

D) is for Denver, silly rabbit. Great city. Fantastic scenery in the surrounding areas, and, well, three out of four pretty-darn-cool professional sports teams ain't bad, y'all. Avs, Nugs, Rox -- much love. 'Nuff said.

E) is for Elway. Eli-style.

F) is for Fame. As in the Hall of, also known as Canton, OH, where the true champion of good fortune for all and will toward men is well-represented. The douche faucets...not so much.

G) is for Grbac, because I don't think the English language has ever seen a better 'g' word. I still can't believe that guy was our quote/unquote leader for a time. A deep, dark, painful time.

H) is for horses. They're everywhere around InVesCo. The parking lot. Atop the stadium. On all three versions of the Denver helmet. There've even been horse matter on the team, like that pile of horse-pucky Romanowski, or the horse's ass Maurice Clarett, the horse teeth of Elway, and of course the horse lips of Shannon Sharpe.

I) is for...say it with me now, everybody! "In-Com-Plete!" Liberace just texted me from the grave. His message said "tht iz geigh."

J) is for Joe. The greatest quarterback to ever play the game. No I don't mean Namath, and no I don't say it solely because he was a Chief. Though that does help.

K) is for kharma, bitches. Kay to the harma. Pull some bullshit deal with the Colts to get the 80s Eli under your center, and look what happens: Your entire -- and I do mean 100 percent -- fan base is sick-in-the-mouth obsessed with who his replacement will be, when he will get here, and how soon will he take us to three ass-poundings of Super Bowl games before we can win two consecutive and happily slop our semen across one another's chins. That's right. I said it. Somebody had to say it. Let's run through the mix here: Griese wasn't good enough. I've tried to stick up for him and say that he wasn't given a fair shake, an argument which was tossed to the canvas swifter than a body slam by the J-Y-D, but whatever. There's Bubby. There's Gus. There's The Snake. And now there's Cutler. You know what else there is? Season number 11 since HFCD retired rights 'rounds corns, which means that by the time Jay Jam's replacement is in there and familiar with the system, John Elway's entire career will have already happened again. I dunno. You did get those two trophies, so I imagine it was worth it. I just find it tickling how much struggle there has been in trying to find the new "one."

L) can only be for one thing: Larry. Wow. I could write novels.

M) must be for Mecklenberg. He's probably the first Bronco I remember, and I remember him being pretty good, aside from that gay-pride-parade uniform he always wore on the field. What a creep.

N) is for never, as in never, ever, ever-ever-ever-ever-ever in a million years did I think that the Chiefs would go 2-14. goodtimes.com/cockanballsonthetongue right there.


P) has dual significance: Peterson, Pioli. I'll be the one (of eight kazillion) watching.

Q) is for guys that have played for both teams, like Quentin Griffin. Ah, fuck it; it's for queer.

R) is for road wins. I'm told they exist.

S) is for my favorite Tradition-al game-time comment: "Sizzle, sizzle."

T) could be for tight end. It could also be for Tony, but it's actually for both, an' while I'm cheesin' it up, let's throw in "terrific."

U) is for unfortunate, as in it's a shame that these past couple of seasons have tilted the AFC West rivalry peak to Denver-San Diego. For that, and for so, so, so much more, I thank thee, Herm Edwards.

V) is for Big V, which I think stands for the big Victory in the sky I'm hoping to one day see mere moments before a Kansas City Lombardi is hoisted.

W) is for welcome to the machine, Jackson. May the force find you lured to the good side.

X) must be for Brian Xanders. I don't know why. I just want to get this over with now.

Y) has to be yee-haw, which all of us Chiefs fans say when we put on our

Z) ubaz after having sex with our fat sisters in preparation of staying at the bars 'til zee dawn post big-game tailgate.

"Zing!" works pretty well, too, if you feel like substituting it.


Dylan said...


Dylan said...

Bring back the centered type. It makes my comments look like Jack London epics.