Saturday, March 21, 2009

The New World of Endless Bloviation; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Accept My Fantasy Baseball Dominance

Don't ask me what's going on with that title. In less than two hours I will set about defending my title in the fantasy baseball league we HoG Farmers share with a few malcontents and closet cases. Earlier in the day I received a text message from one Ol' No. 7, who is something of a fantasy version of the Broncos of the mid-'80s, always there to the last but unable to cash in, that suggested his team was going to inflict upon mine a gross sexual humiliation, one that might result in a glistening scrote-print of metaphorical cocksweat upon my squad's imaginary forehead.

The knives are sharpened, boys. I was going to take Randall Simon with my second round pick, but it's most definitely on now.

In other news, Jay Cutler. That's right, you didn't think I'd go a whole post without young Jay-Jay, did you? I can't get him out of my mind. March Madness, whiskey, Rock Band (I killed the vocals on "So What'cha Want" by the Beasties), the comfort of the eternal abyss, nothing can scrub McJayWhatIsDGate from my forebrain.

As much as I think he's being a punk, and allowing his agent to manipulate an exit over some small amount of hurt pride, I still think the kid's a fucking hero at quarterback. I'm not sure you can ignore the stat that's been floating around the last week or so, that he's 12-1 when his defense allows 21 or fewer points.

Indeed. Three touchdowns. That's not exactly '85 Bears territory, is it? Just allow three touchdowns or fewer once in a while and Jay wins the vast majority of his starts. Facts be facts.

But then there's cbssport's Clark Judge, writing of the Vikings' potential interest in a trade, were such a thing to happen:

First of all, I can't imagine coach Brad Childress has an interest in sparring with another quarterback. He went through a Cutler-like drama when he took over the Vikings, going mano-a-mano with then-starter Daunte Culpepper, and only a masochist would be interested in reliving that episode.

So Cutler isn't Culpepper. He may be Jeff George, and I don't blame Childress -- or anyone, for that matter -- if he's not interested in finding out.

Second, and more important, Childress believes there's no need for another quarterback now that the Vikings have Sage Rosenfels.

Well, shucks, who'd want Jay Cutler over SAGE FUCKING ROSENFELS? That's not an opinion, that's Young Earth Creationism. That's Scientology. Clark Judge, I have no idea who you are, or where you come from--if you were sent to test the bounds of our credulousness by some Alien intelligence with sinister notions, say, or from Oakland--but if you don't think that Jay Cutler would be an upgrade over SageJackson Rosenvaris, then you're not merely a buffoon, a rube, a real mark, but I strongly suspect that you may not be alive at all, but rather a hollowed-out body being manipulated from within by an evil, cannibalistic ventriloquist's dummy.

It's the only reasonable assumption.