Thursday, July 19, 2007

Baseball In The Daytime: 7-19-07

Bit of a late start on the day baseball beat today, but that happens when you make a seven-hour round trip to see Hank Williams III at get home at 3 a.m. If you've never taken in a Hank III show I highly suggest you pass--I guarantee you are not man enough to handle the large-testicled Americana he'd shove up your lilly ass.

Baseball players also take part in an indigenous American art form, only most of them are now of Dominican descent. They also have very small testes following years of the juice, but the game's still fun to watch on a summer weekday. The first one on tap this fine Thursday is the Angels and D'Rays under the lights and on the plastic grass of Tropicana Field. Mmm, drink in the nostalgia. You can find this bad boy at 10:10 Mountain on XM 182 and DTV 734, and Kelvim Escobar and Andy Sonnanstine are your starters.

At eleven, strap on your A-Rod signature dildo codpieces and feel the thrusting magic of a Yankees-Blue Jays tilt. Yes, I know that the Yanks are on fire, and following the inexplicable series loss at the hands of the Royals the Red Sox hold a mere seven game lead. Yes, this morning I'm officially worried for the first time all season. What? Like it was not going to be a race? New York has won this division like 12 times in a row! Dustin McGowan throws his cheese for the Jays, where he'll match wits with The Wang. Your broadcast options are XM 176 and DTV 735.

At roughly the same time, on XM 181 and DTV 736, the Twins and Tigers try once again to untangle the knot of confusion that is the American League Central. Jeremy Bonderman takes on young Scott Baker, and somewhere in the bowels of the Metrodome Jim Leyland is sparking up.

Miller Park's massive vulval wings will spread wide open to let in a shaft of Wisconsin sunshine at noon, unless it rains. Then she'll clam up tighter than a snare drum. The occasion is Arizona Diamondbacks v. Milwaukee Brewers, as the Rattlers try to salvage a season on the brink and the Crew attempt to stave off the mad hot Cubs. Starting assignments go to old fat Livan Hernandez and young handsome Yovanni Gallardo. If it were a dating game show Arizona would have no chance, but it's a baseball game, on XM 186 (voiced by Bob Uecker!). No TV data available, so listen to Harry Doyle and like it.

Finally, those crazy Cubs do a little business themselves as they host the Giants at twenty after noon. Matt Morris, who looks like he drives a van with no windows near elementary schools, accepts the challenge from Ted Lilly, who's richer than Nick Lechey. I wouldn't watch this game if you held a firearm to my genitals, but you feel free to tune in to the brilliant high definition of DirecTV's Extra Innings SuperFan High Definition showcase on channel 731, or regular def for you cheap idiots that refuse to upgrade on 738. Also, Ron Santo and Pat Hughes give you an old-timey radio call on a newfangled satellite channel, XM 185. Cheers!


Cecil said...

And I'm drinkin' that whiskey

Out of that glass

And if that ain't country, boy

You can kiss my ass.

--Hank III